Long update

Things have not bee good in my house for awhile. I was able to hide the domestic violence. The yelling at me, the verbal abuse, the mental abuse. I was able to put on a good front but no one knew what happened behind closed doors. 

After a very bad push of abuse in Mexico I decided I needed to leave. Then the worst thing happened. He hit my youngest. It wasn't enough to bruse, but it was enough that I was worried. 

I packed our bags and we left after school the next day. Not one friend was able to help me. 

I took the kids 3 hours by bus to the only place that had room. It was not kid friendly. 4 days there was no bread, milk, eggs. Only fruit cups and granola bars. 

We left that place after one morning H had a meltdown due to her sensory and anxiety issues and another person staying in the house yelled in her face to shut up. 

We got in to another place closer to the kids school. I found an apartment and just had to wait a week and a bit.

I woke up one morning and as I was leaving I was pulled in a room, and was told I had given out the address. I never had, and I only knew how to get there by bus. I had them sit me in front of a computer and they searched my Facebook. I was told I would have to go. Then after they searched my Facebook they found I had not given out any location and then offed to move me to the other house as long as I did not leave, did not use my phone (give to them) and not talk to anyone till I moved out. 

That did not sit well with me. 

I left and took my youngest to play group. Was quite upset. Talked with a rec center lady and told her what happened and she tookit upon herself to call and when I got back the house manger accused me of lying and other issues. 

 I had found a place to go, and so I told them I did not want to discuss anymore, I was very upset after they had seen I had not posted anything they should have appologised. They huffed what for? They still will not gve me first names of the two supposed people who said I was giving info out. 

I got a call from a social worker last week but kids were very sicks. I went in this week, only to find out that some one called in stating I was mentaly unstable, and not taking my medications. The only place that knew I took medications was the last transition house. What they don't know is I'm stable, and have been stable for years with only one low when my mother was diagnosed end stages with her illness. 

The social worker is also stating I'm asking for too many services by asking for counselling for B to help with his trans* issues (anger, and again he was in the principals office for hitting yesterday), and for H to help with her anxiety and sensory issues. 

Frankly I would be a shitty parent IF I DID NOT try to get them services. 

So now I have to be at the whim of a social worker and pray they don't take my children. After a stressful time like this this is the last thing I need. 

I all of you who read are doing well and have a happy winter holidays. 

Missing my kids

We got back on Tuesday from our trip. 

Woke up to the kids climbing in our bed after only a few hours sleep. Kids got the surprises we brought back for them. Knit sweaters for them all. H and little sister got linen dresses, and B got a linnen shirt. 

I also got a basket of shells to open on a day that the kids need a distraction. 

B has been so happy we are home. When my cough I got started getting worse B started getting to clingy. Getting the kids too and from school was hard. Friday night I woke up not being able to catch my breath. I couldn't get up to get the kids to school. B had a melt down. He wanted to go to school and be with his BFF A and teacher Mrs H. H was not as upset, she had her tv show and little sis just rolled with it. 

I ended up in the ER Friday night. Severe bronchitis. So bad I had to get 4 nebulizers in 1.5 hours. The ER doc said my lungs sounded like I smoked 50 packs a week.

I'm now on oral steroids, two puffers, and rest.... I'm just exhausted. Very exhausted. 

It doesn't help that I also picked up a bacterial follicular rash from either the pool, ocean, cenote, or jacuzzi tub. 

Now to relax and get better. And doing that with lots of hugs and kisses from my 3 kids. 

Midnight in Mexico.

This week I took a trip with out the kids. They are at my in laws. And I'm 5 hours across the contanent. 

It was hard to let go. To give care of B over to my in laws. Someone who I don't know if they will protect B like me. Fight for B like me. 

This trip I was hoping for it to be a great time to relax and reconnect with my husband. 

Yet I feel like the wall is there bigger then ever. I'm with him, but not with him. A smile on my face with my heart breaking inside. 

Today at a group swim at one of the ceneotes (limestone sink hole) I was reminded with him fighting. With how I want to leave.

I had them make up the room as a surprise for his birthday. But got yelled at through dinner. Apparently I need to be psychic. The bed with rose petals for us to make love on ended in him yelling, me in the hot tub, and him snoring. 

Makes me wonder if it's time to move out. 

No one brings dinner when

This story hit me hard. (Linky here)
When my mom was diagnosed with progresive supranuclar plasy and we were told we were going to loose her food came in from friends while i tried to figure out how to get kids to daycare and help my father with his new normal.

but when our family got the diagnoses of Transgender for Bex all we got were words of hate. Words where they spat so much venom i was literately afraid for my life if i was to see them im public. Words that tore me to the core because i was being told by my community that i caused this.

friends lost, and friends i had to block on facebook, take there name and number out of my phone book. Friends that I had to tell the kids we couldn't see, not because we couldn't make time for them. but because i couldn't trust them to not hurt my kids physical or emotionally.

and here I sit. And i feel like im walking alone.
the sad part is, I know those people will come out of the wood work and be all caring once my mother dies.

Safety while on vacation

My husband and I leave for an adults vacation on Monday. To reconnect as the last year and a half has been hell. 

We are only able to do this vacation thanks to a bad Car accident that messed up my back. 

We are heading to Mexico. A nice adults only resort. We are looking forward to time away to re connect. 

Now here is the scary part of vacation. Leaving B without me. The kids, all 3 will be staying with my in laws. My mother in laws is not using male pronouns. 

My worry is if something happens to B how will doctors and medical staff treat him. I have had issues at 2 walk in clinics. One the doctor told me she was sorry and if I thought of therapy to change him back. The other walk in talked loudly if he was male to female or female to male and if so what of my 3 kids. 

So tomorrow comes the hard task of writing out a letter, printing a few copies. See what happens. Pray the kids do not get hurt. 

One more thing a parent of a transgender kid has to think about. 

Because watching a tv show makes you an expert

So it's 7:30 and already another person removed from my Facebook. One who I thought would get it. One who has an autistic son and I thought would understand. One who I thought would have understood that people watching one show dosent make them an expert on how to "cure" the child. 

For me there is no cure. It's something B was born with. Something he can't control. Like how you can't control your eye colour. 

One tv show does not make you an expert. If that was true, thanks to the magic of tv I would be a doctor, a addictions councler, a psychic medium, a lie detector, a NCIS agent, a murder, a master chef, and so many other things. 

Wast hung a tv show does not make an expert. It makes you someone who watched one show. 

You have not lived the life. Watch your child die inside. Hear your 4 year old kid admit to a doctor that he hurts himself physically and hard becouse he hurts inside becouse people can't understand he is a boy inside. See your child have extremely rage, tantrums that just don't stop. Have your child come home from preschool telling you that a teacher called him a freak. 

Then watching the extreme change in to a happy child, a normal child when you start calling him a boy, cut his hair short, and let him wear clothing of his own choosing. 

So yep. Now that your an"expert" from watching that tv show. Let me tell you where you can shove that. 

I have lost it

The last 6 months have been hard. We have lost a few things. Things that is making me fall apart. 

Last may I lost my faith in child care workers. When B was verbally and emotionally abused I lost my ability to trust them, and trust people with my child. 

In June I lost faith with my church. I think in a way I lost my faith in God. When our church told us B was wrong I lost faith in that. Faith that God loves us. 

Shortly after that I started to loose my marriage. Fighting getting worse. That he was blaming me for B being transgender. The pain of this pushing our marriage apart. The hut that he thought I was doing it for attention. 

Then I lost my grandmother. My Baba as us Ukrainian people call her. I was by her side as she laboured her breathing. As the prest came and did the last rights. 

Then I lost it when I had to step in for my mother and plan a funeral. Do an eulogy. And call family. And I'm still dealing with lawyers. 

Now my father and I are not getting along and I'm loosing my mother and father. 

My dog, my wonderful cuddle buddy but me out of the blue. He bit me on the foot and my foot is infected. I'm trying to find a rescue but no one will take him. It's looking like I'm going to have to put him down. 

The hardest thing. I'm not over loosing my daughter. I miss my daughter. I really miss her. I love who my son B is but I miss my daughter. 

Now I'm about to share with you my favorite photo of my daughter. This was from my best friends wedding. 

Another child another label

Today was B's sisters day at the ped. H has been having issues. It started with as a little baby not wanting to be dirty. Hands had to be clean. Then certain clothes were a no go. Then sounds. And over the last year it's chewing. 

We got the diagnoses of ADHD over a year ago. Medication has helped. We want to tred lightly. 

Now we are having issues with chewing at school. Wringing paper. Frustration where she will shut down and block people out. Anxiety. And loud noises like in gym bug her so much she will cower in the coroner. 

Now to get help we need to see an occupational therapist. We have two options. Wait over a year to see one 4 times through the school. Or pay out of pocket at over 100 a one hour session. 

The first takes to long. The second we can't afford.,

So far I have been taking nursing necklasses appart and taking silicone beads and pendants and making chewlery for her. 

Days like today after calling diffrent organizations. Finding we make too much to get fund but becouse of all our bills we can't afford it. 

I'm just lost. 

Here is praying no issues with little sister

School on the caller ID

Once again the school pops up on the caller ID. I don't worry that the kids got sick, or that my kid got hurt on the playground. 

Nope, I see that number come up and I know B lashed out some way. The only way he knows how to cope. 

So far in the last two weeks we hit friends, punch people, kick People, throw pea gravel, and the big one. He choked a kid. 

It's to the point homeschooling is on my mind. All the transgender support groups say to do it. The psych we saw at children's said to wait. His principal Mrs S said to wait along with Teacher H, and a few of the teachers on #kinderchat on twitter. 

The psych we saw thinks he could have some gifted qualities. Now to wait for her assmessent then referral to psychology. 

Meanwhile it's a waiting game. Praying he doesn't hurt more people.

I'm getting nowhere with local youth mental health. I think he needs play therapy, but he is too young for that program, and my wallet too empty for that.

Letter to my children

Dear kids. 

This letter is hard to write. But it's one you need to know. Your mother has a mental illness. 

I was always depressed as a kid. A troubled teen. A handful. Anger that could bring a grown man to his knees.

After the twins birth I was diagnosed with PPD. It was hard. While I was pregnate with little sister I landed in emergency so many times. Vomiting till I would vomit bike and blood. My veins would collapse from dehydration. After $1000 in pills and still no help and ER doctors who knew me by name the depression set in. Sobbing in the ER. Getting admited to a quiet room on the maternity ward away from the babies, and crying. 

I was so sick that at 22 weeks along my OBGYN went to the ethics board to get approval for an abortion. I could not do that to little sister. 

I had an IV placed that went to a vein near my heart. I went 2x a day for IV meds and did my own IV liquids at home. 

After little sister was born the sadness hit. I got in with a special doctor. I was diagnosed as Bi Polar. It explained all my moods. 

But I got discharged as they only help out moms till the baby was a year old. 

I floated from doctor to my family doctor. No psych willing to take me on. Not for 5 years. 

Now I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the angry mommy who switches to fun mommy as the spur of the moment. I'm sorry that you are growing up with a mom who swings from happy to suicidal. One who hasn't found meds that work yet.

But thank you for the hugs and kisses and telling me I'm the best mommy.

I will love you to the moon and back. 

Your mommy 

Kicked out of school in kindergarden

Things are rough at B school. He has so much anger. I know a lot is leftover from the preschool. 

I dread pick up now. To find out what he did. Yesterday he hit 4 kids. He punched a kid that was playing with his best bud K. Then at carpet time a girl was sitting close and so he punched her hand and ground her fingers in to the carpet. There was 2 more but I have no clue what to do. 

I'm thinking of homeschooling. But B and I are so alike personality wise I'm not sure if that would work. 

I also wonder if B is not being challenged enough. He is smart as a whip when it comes to learning. He loves science. 

I just don't know what to do. I'm in tears. 

I'm not alone

This week my husband and I went to a support group. The kids went to the kids one at the same time. B did not want to share it with H and little sister. 

It was quite good to hear the other parents. But it hurt in some way as some have older kids and we see what they are going through, double masactomy, binding, special underwear, kids transitioning to boys still having periods ect. And with us, with B he came out so young thanks to medical advances he will  never go through that. 

One father valadated my feelings about no wedding, no kids, no typical girl things and then getting to do all the boy things. 

Another mom cried with me over the talk of photos. That I have all of mine packed up in a box. Only these last few months B has looked like a boy. I have applied to a program that takes pictures for families going through medical things. I hope they accept us. 

B has 3 new friends and a best bud K that he looks for every day at school. It's nice to see him blossom. 

Choices

The choices that we make in life are done for a reason. Sometimes other people may not understand why we make the choices we do but that is part of life, and the resulting experiences will shape and mould who we are and who we become. The difficult choices are always the scariest. Stepping outside of our comfort zones could be the choice we make that saves our sanity, provides a better life for our children and challenges our belief systems,on many levels. Ultimately we are solely responsible for our own actions, thoughts and choices. We, ourselves, are the ones who must live with the choices we make on a daily basis. I only hope that you have the courage to make the best decision you can when the time comes, knowing that the road you take may be hard and you may feel alone. You are never alone, people are always thinking of you, even if you don't know it.

A friend sent this to me. It means a lot.
Right now I'm under so much stress I have no words. Tomorrow I might have some answers.

One year

its crazy how in one year with everything that goes on your life can go from fantastic to twisted upside down, falling apart, sobbing on the floor.
Friend that show there true colours, Friends that don't understand and whisper behind you back. Doctors appointments where you wish it was something treatable.
Feeling hurt because your parents and in laws just don't get it.
You try so hard. But every time you feel like your two steps forward something finds your and drags you 3 steps back.
Some days you wake up and wonder how the heck you got yourself here.
And you wish. Just wish you had one friend who lived by you, that would understand and know what your going through, and they would help pick you up off the floor.

Transgendered and a Scout?

So last week we signed the kids up for beavers. The youngest of the scouting program. I was worried when we had signed them up we would have B rejected. 

Nope! B and H are both beavers! They are so happy and excited. Today was the first time we dropped them off for 1.5 hours! For that time we got to spend it with little sister. It was fun. 

The kids came home with colouring, and so much more! I'm excited for them to go back next week. 

I am also so glad that in Canada they are accepting. That the leader shrugged her shoulders and said "I have never worked with a trans kid, but I'm willing to learn."

Willing to learn. What we all should be doing. 

Alone

Yesterday I sent B and H to kindy. They lined up at the door. They walked in. They each blew me and little sister a kiss.  I tried not to cry as little sister cried out "why can't I go?" She felt so alone.

This is the first time little sister hasn't been in a program. After the issue with the kids daycare / preschool I can't send her. I have way to much anxiety. I just can't send her off alone. 

Little sister and I went out for French fries since it was raining. Talking about how her big brother and sister are in school and how she gets to be with me and come to her grandparents during the week. 

We walked back to the school. 10 min early and she had a slip up with using B birth name. I gently corrected telling little sister that it hurts when she uses the wrong name. 

The kids came out one at a time and were so excited! B came out first. Pointed at me and ran out. Then H was behind and yelled that's my mommy too! And ran over. 

We started our walk home. Talking about our day at school. The kids talking about what they did. H playing with blocks and B with the trucks and cars. H telling me how she asked B to work on the counting blocks but he chose to play with something else. 

We got home and had snack. I printed out some work sheets and the kids had fun...

Next we we go back again on Monday. By Friday they are in full time? I'm very scared to put my trust in these two teachers to leave my kids alone with them. 

Friday I Speke with a lawyer about what my next step with the daycare is. Anxiety big time. 

Some nights I lie in bed and my mind runs. I think about what my life should have been. Then I look at what's going on in my life right now and I wonder how I feel so alone. Like I'm the one getting sent in to school alone. 

This road I'm traveling down. The life of having a transgender child. It's a lonely road. One that only a select few people understand. It's even harder as friends and family don't understand. Even my husband and I don't understand each other. 

Once again I feel alone 

Kindy

Well school started off well. B doesn't want to leave. He is a little nervous at first. But who blames him. The teacher looked like she was going to cry today during parent teacher conference when she saw the last 3 months of papers of them making him write his birth name. Each page he had to write his full birth name 10 times.

B and his sister each got a book. Little sister was upset that she did not get a book. She was also sad that she did not get to do the fancy picture or show the teachers how much she could count or how she knew her colours.

Another awesome thing for B happened today. We joined Scouts! B and H are going to be beavers! They start next week. I was nervous about signing them up. I was worried I would have to check that dreaded female box. The one that did not work with B and his gender identity.

I got the nerve to talk to the main leader. I asked her about this line and pointed to the medical issues line. I lowered my voice and explained my child is transgendered.  A look of shock came over her face and she asked, what one? When I said it was B she said she would have never know. She says by the way the kids are running around and having fun, she said that I have 2 girls and boy. She said it would be no problem. The group is a non religious one. She will only let the other leader know in case of any medical emergency. I felt a lot better knowing that B will be accepted.

We also had our last apt for the assessment. Our Dr said that yes B has Gender Identity Disorder. He is transgendered. He gave a few stats on kids growing out of it, or kids that just end up being gay. But he told me that when kids come out like this early, before puberty they are truly transgendered. Right now he says to just love B the way he is. To use male pronouns, and his boy name. I still cry as his birth name was the one I had picked out since I was a teenager. It hurts to be loosing it. I feel like I need a grave to cry on.

BUT I have my SON. He is my only son. I will love him more then anything in the world. I care about him so much. I will do anything to take away his pain. I will be right behind him to give him support to stand up to all the naysayers. I will love and have fun with him. He is my boy. my son.

Needing love.

The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways. 

This a quote I came across on Facebook as I'm sitting here waiting for our lasagna to bake. It hit home to me. 

My kids are all very cuddly. They all are loving. But looking back on how B had been acting in the last 3-4 months. I see all the acting out. The fighting, the yelling. The being defiant to teacher at preschool. The anger. 

B just needed some love. He needed to be shown love and caring. He needed to be loved by having daycare respect his human rights. He needed love by his classmates respecting him. But he didn't get that. 

Because he didn't get that we had acting out. Hitting kids. Hitting teachers. Scratching friends. Pushing his sister down the stairs. Pushing kids off the playground. And when things got its worst choking another kid. 

I'm so glad I showed him love. The love of calling him HIM. Using male pronouns. The day of cuddling in bed watching cartoons and telling each other our thoughts and feelings. Having special days. And the best thing, keeping him away as much as possible from the teacher who verbally abused him and did not treat him within his human rights.

Today B is so much happier then just 4 weeks ago. School is starting. He has a bunch of new clothes (I'm a H&M fanatic!) and has all his supplies labeled, thanks to Mabel's labels. Got the ones where you can write in your own name from Walmart.

This quote has made me think that if any of my 3 are upset, or acting out. Just to hug and love them more. 

Meeting at the school

Meeting at B school went awesome! The district is putting in a GLBT program and wanting to learn how to help. Looks like we may be first parents on the comity! 

B will be using the boys washroom, teachers will use male pronouns, and B is in the kindergarten class with a single washroom with option to use the big boys washroom. Teachers are excited to learn and support. 

We will have to write a letter to keep on file incase there is an issue then the kids in B class will get it sent home. Just a little thing they want us to  write up but will only be handed out IF a parent calls the school. 

I feel like this is going to be good year!  I actually have faith in the school. 

Chelsea Manning formerly Bradley

So there is a big uproar the last few days.  A man who worked in the USA government Bradley Manning who is now in jail for leaking information has come out as Transgendered.

Now sometimes it takes awhile. The will to tell. Or maybe Chelsea (new chosen name for her) was told it was wrong. Maybe Chelsea was told it was bad. Maybe Chelsea didn't have family that was accepting. Either way it has come out now. 

I don't follow a lot of politics. Especially USA politics since I'm Canadian, but I hear a bit here and there. My biggest sadness was that the bug news stations like CNN, ABC world news, HLN were referring to Chelsea as he. 

The worst thing for a transgendered person who comes out is to call them the birth sex. It would be like being called the  wrong sex. It would hurt, sting, make you angry. 

For me I see this first hand with B. we are going to get our psych assmessent. B told the Dr that it hurts when teachers call him a girl. When his teachers laugh and call him a girl and don't listen. It hurts his feeling when his friends make fun of him and call him a girl... It hurts so bad that my 5 year old has been hurting himself. My 5 year old has been self abusing. It makes me wonder what Chelsea has gone through all these years. 

And yes. We got our diagnoses. B is transgendered. My TransBoy. We will start kindergarden as a boy and work our way to good mental health and healing. 

I pray that Chelsea can get some counselling and healing too. 

Dear people who don't have a transgendered child....

Today I was flipping through Facebook like I do most mornings. Trying to get some time for me before my bladder makes me get out of bed and face the day, get the kids up, and start the day of stairs from people, questions, and guilt.

But today I ran in to a blog post. It talked to people who don't have a child with disabilities. A lot of it I found relevant to me. I'm going to share with you the parts that touched me and at the end a link to the blog...

What you said: God never gives us more than we can handle.

What we heard: You’re fine. Quit whining.

We’re not fine. Also, it is very dangerous to bring God into conversation with a person whose faith you don’t know intimately (and sometimes even then). We bring God to these conversations by bringing kindness. We bring God by seeing, hearing, and connecting.

What you said: You must be a very special parent for God to give you such a special child.

What we heard: We are fundamentally different. I’m not even going to try to understand you.

When I first heard this, I would imagine God sitting at a school desk with a paper in front of him, just like the worksheets we used to get when we were in elementary school. There would be a list of babies on the left and a list of parents on the right. God would draw a line from the most difficult baby to the strongest parent, then second most difficult to second strongest, etc. In my imagination, a dog (God loves dogs) comes bounding into the misty, ephemeral scene, distracts God, and oops! God sent the wrong baby to those wacky Joneses!

What you said: You are an angel! I could never do what you’re doing.

What we heard: Hey, sounds tough. What a bummer. It’s a good thing you can totally handle it and you don’t need anything from me!

Yes, you could handle it. The alternative is…what? It’s your kid. You handle it. Not with any grace or style (no points for those things, anyhow), but you just do. Ordinary you, ordinary me.

What you said: Every child is a blessing.

What we heard: Suck it up, buttercup!

First, duh! Of course my child is a blessing. I love him like fire. That does not invalidate my pain. In fact, my love is causing my pain because if I didn’t love him, why would I even care?

What you said: Your faith will get your through! Or, God doesn’t bring us to it unless he plans to bring us through it! Or, With God all things are possible!

What we heard: You’re only having trouble because your faith is crappy and weak.

Here’s the deal: my faith did get me through, or rather, God did.I spent long, wakeful nights in the manner that is familiar to millions of people of faith: on my knees, the holy book of my tradition open in front of me, begging God for relief for me and my family and healing for my child. I told God that if we couldn’t have relief and healing, that I would very much like a carbon monoxide leak to take us all quietly in our sleep.

*****FYI this is quotes from a blog I red but makes points on how I feel sometimes.****

What you asked: Did you take medicine while you were pregnant?

What we heard: How did you cause this?

There are dozens of variations of this question, all of them probing for a cause, seeking to lay blame on the feet of that traditional whipping post, dear old mom. When he was a baby, my friends who practiced natural and attachment parenting thought I wasn’t doing natural and attachment parenting hard enough (A baby whose needs are met won’t cry! Pfffffffft. Suck it, Dr. Sears.). My friends who practiced more conventional parenting thought I was spoiling Carter by nursing and carrying him so much. No matter which way I turned, someone assumed it was my fault, as if I wasn’t already trapped in a giant web of self-doubt and recrimination
they are really saying, this would never happen to me. And while I want to reassure you that it probably won’t happen to you, it could. Yes, you. You, who give money to charity and always wear your seatbelt and feed your family organic foods and are a very nice person who never kicked a puppy. I know that it is very, very painful to live in a world of uncertainty and fear because I live on a cliff every minute, but there are no guarantees in this life. We don’t have (will never have) answers to questions like why this child? Why our family? There are no answers to those questions, or at least none to which we have access during this lifetime.

The world is uncertain and sometimes horrible, even here in middle class America where the grocery stores overflow with food and the roads are paved and talk radio churns its way ever forward. Crappy things happen to perfectly ordinary people, and most of the time there is no one and nothing to blame. It’s lousy and it feels horribly unfair; nevertheless, it’s the truth.






And the link for the blog is http://www.nopointsforstyle.com/2013/08/dear-people-who-do-not-have-a-child-with-disabilities.html

Human rights complaint against Daycare

Even though my husband is not wanting me to, im going to push forward with a human rights complaint over the way B is being treated at daycare.
I have had enough and my child deserves better. ANY child that is on the gender spectrum deserves better. Its not right for them to tell me that it will cause mental issues to other children to switch calling B she to he....
If I don't do this forB, then what about the next child? the child who doesn't have as much parent support, or the next child out there where there parents don't know how to navigate the system.
its not fair for a head teacher at this preschool to push there religious values on my child. I chose a secular daycare for a reason.
im just so mad. We have 3 weeks left. 3 more weeks of hell for B.
I just found out that the teachers are making him write out his birth name. Im not happy about that. B came to me this weekend and said that teacher said he will have to use his birth name and he is unhappy about that.
there should be no reason that this teacher is on a power trip that causes my child mental health issues. Hearing that your child is hurting himself because of a teacher SUCKS. It sucks balls!
I just want to make B happy.

I passed

Today as a family we went out to a local farm. U-pick berries, kids play place, and petting farm.

The three kids went straight to the play area. Tractors, slides, and a barn with a big rocking horse that is stuffed. 

Was great to sit and observe kids at play. The girls were going towards the barn and the small slides, while the boys here were climbing and jumping off the giant tractor. Taking the potato sacks to slide faster down the slides, and slinging sand at each other. 

My girls ran off to the slides and barn. My youngest who is almost 4 stood at the top of the slide but refused to go down, preferring the big fuzzy rocking horse in the barn. 

B had fun. Right away running up to the big slide and launching down it. Making friends with another boy roughly his age. I sat and chatted with the other bits mom. We talked about all things boy, and where to get good deals. For the first time I felt like I passed off as a mom of a boy. 

Not only is it important for B emotionally to pass as a boy. But for me to as well. To use male pronouns. To talk about the shows, and most of all when the penis talk comes up. 

Today I did it. I passed as a mother of a boy. 

Grieving my loss

This last weekend was hard. Friday night B got sick two times. Having a kid come in at midnight to tell you they had an accident sucks. But then a few hours later to tell you they puked and the dogs eating it. Oh boy. 

I got about 4 hours sleep. I was exhausted. It was lazy morning for the kids. Keeping B away from his sisters. I made lunch. The kids got cinnamon rice with brown sugar. Then we went off for rest time. 

The girls were split in to different rooms but finally ended up together quietly. B was in bed with me watching tv as I tried to nap. Getting woken up every 20 min to be told about the show or if it was inappropriate. 

B woke me up to talk. We talked about feelings. I told him if he ever wanted to be a girl again to let me know. B told me "mommy I'm a boy, why would I want to wear girl stuff? And mommy can you PLEASE take my earrings out?". I had been holding off on taking them out for the last 3-5 months. Praying that its a phase. But it's not. My child is transgendered. My child is a boy mentally and emotionally. 

The earrings came out. I cried when he left the room. The little red studs are in my jewelry box. They are there, hidden away. The last memory of my child. 

My new child is B. my boy. My handsome prince. 

Part of me is sad. But part of me knows we have only started our journey. Next step, kindergarten as a boy. 

Guest post from the heart.

I'm so sorry about your preschool experience. First, let me say that I don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes, to have your child. I do know a little about schools and have some experience supporting gender variant students. I hope my journey and insight might be helpful.

I'm in a very conservative district in Nebraska. I think the key to my school best supporting all kids is information. How much time do you have before school starts? Do you have the luxury of picking a school? If so, I would "school shop". I would ask for a tour of the building. There should be little signs or signals that could indicate the general attitude of acceptance without you giving any information about your kid. If anything, the little signs might give you an indication on whether the school is willing to learn and adjust to best serve any student. Even if you can't choose a school, I would ask for a tour. We had a family that didn't disclose anything about their child and toured many schools, talked to the various principals, and asked other families for the inside scoop around the area. To be honest, she had kind of ruled out our entire district until visiting our school. All of our public schools are not open to everyone, but there is some flexibility due to certain neighborhoods being overcrowded and others not having many school age kids. Kindergarten is not required by law in my area (I guess I shouldn't state that as a fact, but it wasn't four years ago when I was contemplating sending my oldest). It also takes about 30 days for parents to be approved for homeschooling. I don't know if your area has similar practices/policy. Unfortunately, schools can be one of the toughest places for gender variant kids. With that said, it doesn't have to be that way. My school and district are not perfect. We have made mistakes and I'm sure will make more I do think we have grown by LEAPS AND BOUNDS within the last two years. I have seen many students flourish due to the new knowledge of our staff and the support of families. The growth made was due to training, support from the DISTRICT office, and 1-2 adult advocates within each building.

If I were you, I would probably read the above paragraph and be overwhelmed on where to start. We have had many gender variant kids within our school, but I'm embarrassed to say that it wasn't until we had a trans kid come to us, that our eyes were opened to the changes we needed to make to be welcoming and supportive of ALL kids. I also think that we had some experiences about 5 years ago that could have been handled better and we now realize the power we have to either create a learning place of empowerment and support or hindrance and hurt. We knew this around other issues, but we didn't have a clue how the binary was impacting all kids.

I now feel like the gender police. My oldest child is a cisgender boy and I just met with the principal yesterday regarding the student supply list being gendered!!! The supplies are not gendered by color or even implying certain things are only possible if you are a boy or girl, but they have boys bringing one supply for the entire class to use and girls bringing another for the entire class to use...an easy way to evenly split the supply burden amongst the class. This was not okay with me. It was the principal's first day back from summer break, school starts in about two weeks, she had new teachers walking into her building any minute, and here I came with a concern regarding something like the school supply list. She probably thought that she had bigger issues to deal with, however, shortly into the conversation, I saw a light bulb go off in her head. She wasn't defensive and said it would be changed for next year. Unfortunately, the supply list was already displayed in stores, and mailed to the parents/guardians of the 750 kids attending this school. I only had to say a few things about how this probably wasn't a good practice and she gave me even more reasons it should be stopped. She also admitted that she had never thought of it and probably would have never thought of it had I not brought it up. I stressed that this was not just about kids that may not fit in the binary boxes of gender, but this was about all kids...MY kid. My oldest boy OVERLY identifies with being a boy. Even before "my eyes were opened" to all of the restrictions within our society regarding gender, I have been battling this with him...trying to explain that toys are just toys...not girl toys or boy toys, colors are just colors, etc. He looks at me like I have three heads. My experience with my CONFORMING child has convinced me even more of the importance of celebrating the diversity within all children. I think children are the best humans I have ever met...let's grow them into confident, fantastic adults! My son will have MANY SOCIETAL norms reinforcing his gender expression. I don't need a school supply list doing it or making other kids feeling unwelcomed or shamed.

I think this is what Gender Spectrum is perfect for...guiding schools through this growth. The amazing family that helped our school had the guidance of a local therapist...not because something was wrong with their child, but because they didn't know how to navigate our community that might not be accepting of their smart, quirky (in the most fabulous, smile inducing way), musically and mathematically gifted, artistic, animal LOVING transgirl This child was a gift to our school! I felt honored that the parents trusted us. There are so many fascinating pieces of her identity that I rarely think of her gender expression as any bigger piece than the others...but at this point, that would require me to think of her genitals and I don't think of genitals when I think of children...or adults for that matter...sorry for the frankness.

I know I am not in your situation and can't imagine. One of my children really struggles with anxiety, an INVISIBLE struggle. That is difficult enough...let alone the hard job of parenting any kid. I do hope that my insight gives you hope. There are schools, staff, kids, and families that will be supportive of your child. They may need guidance. It may be a bumpy ride. Life can be very messy. Your child is lucky to have you! If I can be of any help with future school questions, let me know. Like I said in my first post, this is a very personal decision. You are the only one that will know what is right for your family. I think the safety and well-being of your child is of utmost importance, but I don't think any decision should be made strictly out of fear. Otherwise, we may never leave our homes

Wishing you and your child the best,
j

Fun day with Mommy

Yesterday B stayed home. We had a fun day. A day where I was sure to use male pronouns. Call B son, not use the birth name. 

When we went to the sports store to get our jogging stroller tire inner tube changed (we have a Phil and teds and u LOVE it!) we looked around the store. B found water bottles that are BPA free and only $4.99 so we got one for all the kids. It's on the list for school! 

We then walked over to the kids clothes. B found a dress that he wanted to get for his twin sister. B the. Found I nice pair of organic cotton cargo shirts. At first I thought it would break the bank! But it was on sale for $10 and B found a shirt for $8 so we got it. 

When we were at the cash B lived helping out. We then were off on a search for runners. Needing 3 pairs for school (indoor, outdoor, gym). And we were at a skate shop. We were trying on shoes, B was high 5 ing the sales guy, giving fist bumps. B was having a blast. In the middle if B putting on shoes he told the sales guy "I used to be mommys girl, but now I'm mommys son." The guy looked at me. I smiled and nodded my head. And it was just not brought up. 

Today in the car after school B was talking with his sisters. They were talking of splitting things up. B then said "we have 3 boys in the car and 3 girls. Mommy, H and S. and 3 boys, me, daddy and Chopper!" (Chopper is our dog). 

That made my husband a bit nervous. We had a talk with our family doctor. My husband doesn't want this and is not as accepting. This he looked at me. I want him to see B like I do. 

Well it's late. I'm exhausted and time for bed. 

50\50 chance of death by 18?

This is a stat I heard. My child for being transgendered has a 50\50 chance of making it to the age of 18. That is scary.  My kid has a 50% chance of suicide, getting beat up so bad that my kid will die, or worse.

On Thursday that hit me hard. Very hard. It has now taken me 3 days to process things and be able to talk about it on here.

Thursday was a bad day for B (my trans kid). B was called a girl at school by friends, and teachers at the daycare\preschool refuse to let B get called a boy. This refusal by the the teachers is because the head teacher is Catholic. She feels personally that its wrong. Im not happy by this. But we have only one more month till kindergarten starts.

Things got to a bad part on thursday. Thursday B had acted out, hit, scratched, pushed, pulled fingers. But the worst was B's close friend called B a girl. B got very upset and choked the boy. Teachers had to pull them apart. I found out about this Thursday evening after I came home when the kids were in bed.

Thursday night I called the ped office. We had just gotten in to see a ped about B's anger issues. But the Ped saw the trans issues and started us on that. We had some blood work done to check for chromosome issues. Friday I had not heard back from her Ped who was on call. I called the office her ped was not in and we got an urgent appt with another ped from the practice. I also called our family doctor and he was not in but his nurse told me to contact the ped first and if I couldn't get a hold she would call the doctor at home.

I finally heard back from our ped an hour before our appt with another doctor from the same office. I was having lunch with B in the same complex that the office was in as we had come out by bus and it was about an hour treck to see the doctor down town. Her Ped told us to go straight to the children's hospital and to get them to have someone from Psych to see B.

We went up to the hospital. During intake I let the nurse know that we like to go by a different name then our birth name. And we prefer male pronouns. I was looked at a bit crazy by the nurse. But when the nurse heard what we were there for for B it became a bit better.

We had an awesome nurse name Dott who came in and took us to the "Quiet room" and they had 2 room there to lock kids in who were getting out of hand. We had a nice talk with Dott, I gave full history and B added a few things. One thing B added was then when B is upset and in his room for time out B has been hitting himself. That hurt so much to hear from my 5 year old.

We ended up having a shift change. We got a new nurse who was young and nice. She took me to go get some water after she found a great super hero movie for B to watch. While she was getting some water and showing me where the machine was we talked. She just listened. It was great to have her as a nurse. She told me she had never seen a child as young as B so self assure in there identity. That its good that im here and that we are getting things figured out. She also told me they have a transgenderd clinic for kids at the hospital. She also suggested in getting in the social worker to talk to. I was nervous about that, but she assured me that they could help and find programs. So i said sure Ill talk to her.

The doctor came in and talked to us. The doctor did a quick check up and nothing is physically wrong. She was upset that B had choked a child. The doctor assured me that B knows who he is. The doctor says im doing everything right. They did tell me that the Psych doc wouldn't see her. But we have a urgent referral put through to infant psych. They did not want to keep B in as B is too young to be inpatient on the on floor unit. So now we wait. I was told it could take up to 4 months to get in to Psych. But hopefully since we have an urgent request from emerge it will be sooner.

The social worker came in. We are going to be connected to the local counselling in our area. I don't have high hopes for it because I have been trying to see a shrink for depression for 5 years an I have not been able to get in with anyone. The local social worker office has been notified and we are to be put on there family outreach team. We will see how that goes and what they can offer us.

The doctor at the hospital wants B to only be in the school every other day. That gives B a day off in-between for cooling down, and a few days in-between for just relaxing and following what B wants to do and B being a boy.

So B will be going to school on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. We will spend tuesday and thursday together doing something fun. I think this tuesday we are going to go and paint some pottery up at place near our house, maybe go and get a hair cut. Who knows. Going to go play it by ear.

Thanks for reading so far. I have sent this blog to a few close family members and friends. If your reading this its because I trust you, and I know you are going to be able to support our family, and help us with the journey.

Funerals cause stress

We had to burry my grandmother today. She lived 89 years and was a strong woman. She never really caught on about my child. But my grandmother was happy to have her do whatever she needed.

My child and her sisters did very well at the service. They kept it closed casket till the end. My child did not want to see but her two sisters wanted to view to say goodbye.

They were good at the wake. They tried new food and were good during the speeches.

I came out and told my aunt about my child. She lives in the Midwest area of the USA. She got married and moved down. She was very accepting of my child. Calling child handsome, prince, and using the male version of child's name. It made child beam and glow.

Child also wore a dark navy polo shirt and blue pants to prayers. Then to the funeral service she wore the same shirt and tan shorts. Luckily the family and extended family was welcoming. The priest of the church even talked to my child and I and was open. Praising me for letting my child wear the clothes child wants, and hair cut the way child wants. I just don't know how accepting the priest would be if he knew she is transgendered.

My grandmothers death has not hit me. I think it will take me awhile. I'm going to try to update more.

Thank you

20/20

Yesterday long after the kids were in bed and asleep I went in to my room and flipped in the TV. 20/20 was on. It was a show I like to watch on occasion. Last nights story when I turned it on was about two transgendered teens.

Everything they said. About knowing from ages 3-4 struck me. My child knows. My child knows that my child s a boy. My child knows that inside that my child should have a penis and not a vagina. My child act, talks, and plays like a boy. Why can't everyone else around us see that? It hurts. It hurts the most that her father doesn't see it. Do we have to wait till my child try's to commit suicide? There is a 50% chance my child will try.

20/20 segment I was talking about

A long time UPDATE.

It's been some time since I last posted. My husband thinks I'm pushing so I backed off. We saw our doctor for kindergarten shots and the doctor could see that my child is transgendered.

It's been hard. Daycare is not as accepting. But the main teacher is a Asian catholic. Very religious. I know where she is coming from. I was raised in a Christian home. I went to a Christian school till grade 9 when I left because of bullying. Now I worry what my child will be getting in to with kindergarten starting in September.

This morning my child woke up early. 6 am. I was on the couch as I broke my leg and its more comfortable then my bed up the stairs. My child came down and cuddled. We talked. I asked if my child feels like a girl or a boy. In typical fashion my child said "mom I'm a boy inside but I have girl parts". A few weeks ago my child asked for me to take out my child's earrings. I started to cry. I pushed it off that we would talk about it later.

It makes me sad to be loosing my girl. I knew from the start. My child was the more active of the twins. I felt an instant bond. I just don't know. I want my child to be happy. I want my child to be whoever my chis is. But this is not going to be easy. It's a hard road. A trip I don't want to take if I don't have to.

With everything in my life right now. My mother sick and dying, my not working to take care of my mom so our bills are tight, my husband is not happy with his job, finding money for his schooling for the next semester, bills that keep coming in and trying to figure out how to pay.

School is coming up. Things are going to be tight. School supplies. 2 pairs of shoes for each kid (inside and outside). Backpacks. Lunch boxes. Clothes as they are growing like weeds. I have no boy clothes for child, thankfully friends have given or sold us cheep clothes for the other two. It doesn't help that the youngest is now almost in the same size clothes as the twins.

I feel like there is so much and I'm drowning. I just want my child to have an good life. An easy life. I don't want to see my child crying. I don't like to see any of them cry, but it hurts even more when Childs friends won't play because child is physically a girl. Child has chosen a gender neutral name. It's trendy and cute and child can write it all on his own.

I'm having a hard time with pronouns. But I'm working on it.

Im Just floating in a sea of emotions.

Homophobic grandpa

So child's grandpa is old school. Very homophobic. He won't accept child. Calls child by child's birth name, not child's chosen name.

Two days ago we were over and grandpa asked child why child thinks child is a boy. Then asked child if child has boy parts. I was so proud of my child. Child looked at grandpa and walked away.

Last night on the phone grandpa asked me what bathroom child will use when child starts kindergarten. Telling me child will get beat up if child uses the boys room.

We got our referral as well for the developmental ped. Our family doctor thinks she will be able to help out with this and her anger issues.

Now to just relax. And be calm and carry on.

Kindergarten shots.

So the twins had there kindergarten shots this morning. Our family doctor has not seen child since before the hair cut and the out word vocalization that child is a boy.

Our doctor picked up on it right away. Child told our doctor the male name child likes, and told the doctor that child is a boy.

Doctor is not worried but said it might not be a phase. He told us transgendered kids start expressing it early. To keep an eye on it.

Child is having issues with aggression at school. So we got a referral for child to see the same developmental ped doc that her twin saw for ADHD diagnosses. Our doctor also said child might be just too smart. Her preschool teacher is giving her k-1 level work for some things.

Child also chose boys shorts and tank at H&M today. Had an altercation with my father over child's choice. Telling child that he can't be a boy. Thankfully child did not yell or scream but just walked away.

Tonight I have a book club with my mom friends. Can't wait to de-stress.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog post. This blog is about my child. My child was born a girl. Along with her fraternal twin sister. She was born first. My baby A. The strong child that kicked, punched, and pushed my belly. My child that had a rough start with allergies. Allergic to both dairy and soy and I was unable to breast feed. My child that spent lots of time screaming in pain from reflux till we found the problem.

A little over two years ago. At potty training age she started to wear boys undies. She wanted Spider-Man. So we bought them. Then more boys clothes came. Till my child was wearing full boys clothes.

My child asked for a penis. It crushed me. I joked around about smelly boy penises. That my child would not want one. Teasing my child... My child would ask once a month for a penis. My husband thinking I was pushing my child to be a boy.

Then since September last year my child asked for a haircut. For short hair like daddy. Finally just after Christmas we took my child to a salon to get it cut even though I'm a hairdresser. I did not want my child hating it if it was not liked.  My child loved it.

Just before my child's 5 th birthday, my child asked to be called a boy. My child has for two years asked to be called handsome instead of pretty. My child has smiled when people call my child a boy. And now my child asked to shorten the name to a more boy sounding name.

My child's twin sister has been calling my child a boy for quite some time. My child likes that. My child plays with boys at the park, and gets upset if they find out that my child is biologically a girl as my child feels like a boy.

Kindergarten starts in September and we are stuck with do we put our child in as a girl or a boy?
How do we truly start this transition.