This letter is hard to write. But it's one you need to know. Your mother has a mental illness.
I was always depressed as a kid. A troubled teen. A handful. Anger that could bring a grown man to his knees.
After the twins birth I was diagnosed with PPD. It was hard. While I was pregnate with little sister I landed in emergency so many times. Vomiting till I would vomit bike and blood. My veins would collapse from dehydration. After $1000 in pills and still no help and ER doctors who knew me by name the depression set in. Sobbing in the ER. Getting admited to a quiet room on the maternity ward away from the babies, and crying.
I was so sick that at 22 weeks along my OBGYN went to the ethics board to get approval for an abortion. I could not do that to little sister.
I had an IV placed that went to a vein near my heart. I went 2x a day for IV meds and did my own IV liquids at home.
After little sister was born the sadness hit. I got in with a special doctor. I was diagnosed as Bi Polar. It explained all my moods.
But I got discharged as they only help out moms till the baby was a year old.
I floated from doctor to my family doctor. No psych willing to take me on. Not for 5 years.
Now I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the angry mommy who switches to fun mommy as the spur of the moment. I'm sorry that you are growing up with a mom who swings from happy to suicidal. One who hasn't found meds that work yet.
But thank you for the hugs and kisses and telling me I'm the best mommy.
I will love you to the moon and back.
Your mommy
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