Missing my kids

We got back on Tuesday from our trip. 

Woke up to the kids climbing in our bed after only a few hours sleep. Kids got the surprises we brought back for them. Knit sweaters for them all. H and little sister got linen dresses, and B got a linnen shirt. 

I also got a basket of shells to open on a day that the kids need a distraction. 

B has been so happy we are home. When my cough I got started getting worse B started getting to clingy. Getting the kids too and from school was hard. Friday night I woke up not being able to catch my breath. I couldn't get up to get the kids to school. B had a melt down. He wanted to go to school and be with his BFF A and teacher Mrs H. H was not as upset, she had her tv show and little sis just rolled with it. 

I ended up in the ER Friday night. Severe bronchitis. So bad I had to get 4 nebulizers in 1.5 hours. The ER doc said my lungs sounded like I smoked 50 packs a week.

I'm now on oral steroids, two puffers, and rest.... I'm just exhausted. Very exhausted. 

It doesn't help that I also picked up a bacterial follicular rash from either the pool, ocean, cenote, or jacuzzi tub. 

Now to relax and get better. And doing that with lots of hugs and kisses from my 3 kids. 

Midnight in Mexico.

This week I took a trip with out the kids. They are at my in laws. And I'm 5 hours across the contanent. 

It was hard to let go. To give care of B over to my in laws. Someone who I don't know if they will protect B like me. Fight for B like me. 

This trip I was hoping for it to be a great time to relax and reconnect with my husband. 

Yet I feel like the wall is there bigger then ever. I'm with him, but not with him. A smile on my face with my heart breaking inside. 

Today at a group swim at one of the ceneotes (limestone sink hole) I was reminded with him fighting. With how I want to leave.

I had them make up the room as a surprise for his birthday. But got yelled at through dinner. Apparently I need to be psychic. The bed with rose petals for us to make love on ended in him yelling, me in the hot tub, and him snoring. 

Makes me wonder if it's time to move out. 

No one brings dinner when

This story hit me hard. (Linky here)
When my mom was diagnosed with progresive supranuclar plasy and we were told we were going to loose her food came in from friends while i tried to figure out how to get kids to daycare and help my father with his new normal.

but when our family got the diagnoses of Transgender for Bex all we got were words of hate. Words where they spat so much venom i was literately afraid for my life if i was to see them im public. Words that tore me to the core because i was being told by my community that i caused this.

friends lost, and friends i had to block on facebook, take there name and number out of my phone book. Friends that I had to tell the kids we couldn't see, not because we couldn't make time for them. but because i couldn't trust them to not hurt my kids physical or emotionally.

and here I sit. And i feel like im walking alone.
the sad part is, I know those people will come out of the wood work and be all caring once my mother dies.

Safety while on vacation

My husband and I leave for an adults vacation on Monday. To reconnect as the last year and a half has been hell. 

We are only able to do this vacation thanks to a bad Car accident that messed up my back. 

We are heading to Mexico. A nice adults only resort. We are looking forward to time away to re connect. 

Now here is the scary part of vacation. Leaving B without me. The kids, all 3 will be staying with my in laws. My mother in laws is not using male pronouns. 

My worry is if something happens to B how will doctors and medical staff treat him. I have had issues at 2 walk in clinics. One the doctor told me she was sorry and if I thought of therapy to change him back. The other walk in talked loudly if he was male to female or female to male and if so what of my 3 kids. 

So tomorrow comes the hard task of writing out a letter, printing a few copies. See what happens. Pray the kids do not get hurt. 

One more thing a parent of a transgender kid has to think about. 

Because watching a tv show makes you an expert

So it's 7:30 and already another person removed from my Facebook. One who I thought would get it. One who has an autistic son and I thought would understand. One who I thought would have understood that people watching one show dosent make them an expert on how to "cure" the child. 

For me there is no cure. It's something B was born with. Something he can't control. Like how you can't control your eye colour. 

One tv show does not make you an expert. If that was true, thanks to the magic of tv I would be a doctor, a addictions councler, a psychic medium, a lie detector, a NCIS agent, a murder, a master chef, and so many other things. 

Wast hung a tv show does not make an expert. It makes you someone who watched one show. 

You have not lived the life. Watch your child die inside. Hear your 4 year old kid admit to a doctor that he hurts himself physically and hard becouse he hurts inside becouse people can't understand he is a boy inside. See your child have extremely rage, tantrums that just don't stop. Have your child come home from preschool telling you that a teacher called him a freak. 

Then watching the extreme change in to a happy child, a normal child when you start calling him a boy, cut his hair short, and let him wear clothing of his own choosing. 

So yep. Now that your an"expert" from watching that tv show. Let me tell you where you can shove that.