Friday 17 January 2014

Guilt

I have so much guilt right now. Guilt that I'm doing the wrong things for my parent.
My dad had emergency surgery last Friday. He was found unconscious with a brain bleed. 
No care plan, never told me his wishes. 
Luckily he survived surgery. Agreed to power of atourny as long as I don't pull the plug. 
I had to put my mom in a nursing home. I could not do 24h care for her. It was too much. 

Mom is adjusting ok. She got a bath today. A full soaking bath. I was so happy. 

Now to see how well it goes. I miss my mom. 

The worst part is I miss my dad. I miss his annoying calls. The calls about stupid things. I miss him so much 

Sunday 12 January 2014

Life turned upside down

Life got turned upside down 2 days ago. I got a call from my moms home care. I called back only to find out my dad was found unconscious on the floor, but breathing. 
I had to call my ex to take me to emergency. I could not get him to pick up. We have been doing visitation with the kids but I'm supervising. 
I had friends from Facebook calling because he was not picking up. 
I remembered he sometimes went to the pool with a mutual friend. So I called his cell. No answer. So I called the pool they usually go to. The receptionist said they usually don't find people in the pool, but I explained what happened and she got a lifeguard. They found him and got him on the phone for me. He came as soon as he heard. He cares for my parents. He has known them since he was 16 years old. 
Our mutual friend stayed at the house till my ex inlaws got there then went home. My ex dropped me at emerge then went to be with my mom.
At the hospital I got taken back by a socialworker. My first thought was he was dead. But he wasn't. They told me they did not know what was wrong, they were doing a CT and would bring me back when it was done. 
I started freaking out. 
I started posting on Facebook, unfiltered. 
Everyone got updates on what was going on. Even the people I had filtered. 
I got brought back, the doctor talked to me, he told me there was a brain bleed the size of a golf ball. They don't know how or why. But that there was a chance he would not make it. 
I started to cry. The doctor told me they had sent his CT to head of Neuro at the big trauma hospital in the next town over. 
20-30 min later we got word that the neuro wanted him there. We got prepared to take him there, lights and sirens going. It was a bleak night and it was pouring rain. I was scared. 
My aunt met me at the hospital. My dad was brought to trauma room, I had to wait outside as a person had passed in the next bead over. 
I waited over an hour. I finally got in to see him. A social worker came down as I was concerned about my moms care. The social worker was cold and calus. Saying there was no way she could help when the one at surrey was all reddy putting things in place. 
The one at the trauma hospital just suggested bringing my mom to the ER and leaving her. I could not do that. 
The Neuro they brought in suggested surgery. I had to sign consent forms. The surgery could make him well enough to be in a wheelchair, or worst case, he would be the same, or he could pass away. His surgery got bumped for 2 c-sections. My aunt stayed with me. She took me to my moms when he went in. The Neuro said he would call me when it was over. 
I got to my moms at 8:30. Figuring things out and I went for a nap. My phone rang and it was my moms case manager. I first thought of respite care. But then I realized my dad could be in the hospital for months. So I asked for a home. It was the worst thing in the world to have to ask for. But I did it. The next step was telling my mom what was going on. 
Now I have to figure out how to get power of autourny over my mom sand dad. How to get acess to there finances to pay for this all. I'm just lost and scared. 
I got ahold of one of my aunts on my fathers side. Today I need to call my other aunts and uncles and let them know what happened to dad. 
Today I'm also going to see my dad after training my ex on how to do moms feeding tube. 
I'm just exhausted. I'm done. And I'm scared. I miss my fathers voice. I'm young. I'm 30. I should not be having to deal with so much.
I just want to fall appart. 

Wednesday 1 January 2014

Sick to my stomach.

Today I'm sick to my stomach. New year new debt. Getting things for my house, first months rent and all the little things and my emergency credit card is maxed. 

I'm trying hard to be calm and not shit a brick. My welfare check of just $1,027 is almost all spent. With it covering my $950 in rent, and there not being much left for food. 

It's the first day of a brand new year. And here I am. Scared that I made the wrong choice. 
It doesn't help that we stayed at the kids dad grandparents. My ex mil oven stopped working so a few of us got sick. Then H ended up with explosive poop. Not expecting that. 

At 4 am the kids uncle who was getting drunk with his friends in his room got loud and roudy and then woke me and the dog up from the couch. 

The only good part of the day is that I got rubermade bins cheep and a new dishwasher from my dad that will be here next week. 

Now to be an adult and figure out how to pay bills.