I have lost it

The last 6 months have been hard. We have lost a few things. Things that is making me fall apart. 

Last may I lost my faith in child care workers. When B was verbally and emotionally abused I lost my ability to trust them, and trust people with my child. 

In June I lost faith with my church. I think in a way I lost my faith in God. When our church told us B was wrong I lost faith in that. Faith that God loves us. 

Shortly after that I started to loose my marriage. Fighting getting worse. That he was blaming me for B being transgender. The pain of this pushing our marriage apart. The hut that he thought I was doing it for attention. 

Then I lost my grandmother. My Baba as us Ukrainian people call her. I was by her side as she laboured her breathing. As the prest came and did the last rights. 

Then I lost it when I had to step in for my mother and plan a funeral. Do an eulogy. And call family. And I'm still dealing with lawyers. 

Now my father and I are not getting along and I'm loosing my mother and father. 

My dog, my wonderful cuddle buddy but me out of the blue. He bit me on the foot and my foot is infected. I'm trying to find a rescue but no one will take him. It's looking like I'm going to have to put him down. 

The hardest thing. I'm not over loosing my daughter. I miss my daughter. I really miss her. I love who my son B is but I miss my daughter. 

Now I'm about to share with you my favorite photo of my daughter. This was from my best friends wedding. 

Another child another label

Today was B's sisters day at the ped. H has been having issues. It started with as a little baby not wanting to be dirty. Hands had to be clean. Then certain clothes were a no go. Then sounds. And over the last year it's chewing. 

We got the diagnoses of ADHD over a year ago. Medication has helped. We want to tred lightly. 

Now we are having issues with chewing at school. Wringing paper. Frustration where she will shut down and block people out. Anxiety. And loud noises like in gym bug her so much she will cower in the coroner. 

Now to get help we need to see an occupational therapist. We have two options. Wait over a year to see one 4 times through the school. Or pay out of pocket at over 100 a one hour session. 

The first takes to long. The second we can't afford.,

So far I have been taking nursing necklasses appart and taking silicone beads and pendants and making chewlery for her. 

Days like today after calling diffrent organizations. Finding we make too much to get fund but becouse of all our bills we can't afford it. 

I'm just lost. 

Here is praying no issues with little sister

School on the caller ID

Once again the school pops up on the caller ID. I don't worry that the kids got sick, or that my kid got hurt on the playground. 

Nope, I see that number come up and I know B lashed out some way. The only way he knows how to cope. 

So far in the last two weeks we hit friends, punch people, kick People, throw pea gravel, and the big one. He choked a kid. 

It's to the point homeschooling is on my mind. All the transgender support groups say to do it. The psych we saw at children's said to wait. His principal Mrs S said to wait along with Teacher H, and a few of the teachers on #kinderchat on twitter. 

The psych we saw thinks he could have some gifted qualities. Now to wait for her assmessent then referral to psychology. 

Meanwhile it's a waiting game. Praying he doesn't hurt more people.

I'm getting nowhere with local youth mental health. I think he needs play therapy, but he is too young for that program, and my wallet too empty for that.

Letter to my children

Dear kids. 

This letter is hard to write. But it's one you need to know. Your mother has a mental illness. 

I was always depressed as a kid. A troubled teen. A handful. Anger that could bring a grown man to his knees.

After the twins birth I was diagnosed with PPD. It was hard. While I was pregnate with little sister I landed in emergency so many times. Vomiting till I would vomit bike and blood. My veins would collapse from dehydration. After $1000 in pills and still no help and ER doctors who knew me by name the depression set in. Sobbing in the ER. Getting admited to a quiet room on the maternity ward away from the babies, and crying. 

I was so sick that at 22 weeks along my OBGYN went to the ethics board to get approval for an abortion. I could not do that to little sister. 

I had an IV placed that went to a vein near my heart. I went 2x a day for IV meds and did my own IV liquids at home. 

After little sister was born the sadness hit. I got in with a special doctor. I was diagnosed as Bi Polar. It explained all my moods. 

But I got discharged as they only help out moms till the baby was a year old. 

I floated from doctor to my family doctor. No psych willing to take me on. Not for 5 years. 

Now I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the angry mommy who switches to fun mommy as the spur of the moment. I'm sorry that you are growing up with a mom who swings from happy to suicidal. One who hasn't found meds that work yet.

But thank you for the hugs and kisses and telling me I'm the best mommy.

I will love you to the moon and back. 

Your mommy 

Kicked out of school in kindergarden

Things are rough at B school. He has so much anger. I know a lot is leftover from the preschool. 

I dread pick up now. To find out what he did. Yesterday he hit 4 kids. He punched a kid that was playing with his best bud K. Then at carpet time a girl was sitting close and so he punched her hand and ground her fingers in to the carpet. There was 2 more but I have no clue what to do. 

I'm thinking of homeschooling. But B and I are so alike personality wise I'm not sure if that would work. 

I also wonder if B is not being challenged enough. He is smart as a whip when it comes to learning. He loves science. 

I just don't know what to do. I'm in tears.