Let it go

I have been holding in so much in the last 7-8 weeks since my dad's brain bleed. Even more since my split with the kids dad. 

Today as I was sick in bed. I have this chest cough and breathing issue that just won't go away. They think it's bronchitis not penomona after a 5 hour ER trip yesterday as steroids, puffers, and antibiotics were not working. 

I have been having vivid dreams and in this one my message was to let it go. To share and not hold back. Because if I'm holding in things, I can't heal from it. 

So at 6am I posted this blog on a mom chat page on Facebook. I was not sure the backlash I would receive... But I did it. 

I can't believe the support from these women. 

Now to just keep posting. To hopefully get more people to comment and follow. And to let it go as Elsa would say. 

Poetry: Questions

Questions float

Through my head 

Angels talking

Past loved ones telling

Sending me

Signs

My mind is clear

My heart beats loud

Trying to think

But think too much

Pain shoots forth

The tears explode

The choice

Has to be done

And I'm

The only one

My heart cries out. 

Not sure what to do

No one to talk to

Another morning

Woken in tears

My pillow soaked

Trying to hide it

My children know

And they let people know

It's ok for mommy to be sad

To cry is ok

But I don't know

How

Choices

My minde rambles

My thoughts a jumble

Trying to find 

The right way

The choice to choose

Option one

Or option two

What could I loose?

My mind flows

To what if

I chose the other

My day focuses

On making the choice

The right choice

And yet

I worry about

Making the wrong one

So yet again

I go to bed

Crawl in 

Pull the blankets

Close my eyes

And try to hide

Tomorrow 

Tommorow I will choose

You do need to take care of yourself

It's true what they say. You do need to take care of yourself when your in tough situations.

I'm learning this first hand. 

Life is beyond crazy. Between going to the nursing home. My dad in the hospital. Art classes. And everything else. I'm just exhausted.

My kids have eaten more fast food then I want to admit. The almost full set of coke pins says it for me. 

When my kids are calling the friends mom who watches them Thursday/Friday there "other mom" you know things are a lot. 

I'm stuck on a short fuze. I'm exhausted. I forgot to take care of me. 

I had to take small fry to the doctor to get wax out of her ears. They flushed it. I got our doc to check me since I had a sore throat and ears. He said I was fine. Wednesday I started hacking. Turns out as I had a major can't breath attack yesterday that I have penomnina. And bad. Antibiotics, steroids, and puffers. Great. I'm glad though that the kids dad took them to Oma's till Monday. 

Now I'm hoping I can can recoup as I need to search for rentals, and try to find a place with 3 bedrooms and wheelchair accessabity.

I think it's time I update regularly. I'm thinking of getting back in to poetry. 

Well the life of a single mom to transgender kid and 2 more who now takes care of her father with a brain bleed... 

Wow... This is my life...

They say God never gives you more then you can't handle.

well get this? THEY LIED!

4 weeks ago I got a call that my dad was taken unconscious to emergency. I thought nothing of it. But it turned out that he had a major brain bleed, I had no clue if he would survive or not.

Well its been 4 weeks. He is not able to move his left side. He cant swallow on his own, and he is aspirating his saliva.
I'm running back and forth between the hospital and Nursing home and taking care of my trans* child and his sisters. I had to get someone to watch the 3 on Thursday and Friday. Thank goodness she is a LGBTQ ally and knows that B is Trans*.

Im just exhausted. The worst part is I got cut off welfare because of getting power of atourny over my father.
In order to pay his bills and my moms nursing home, I now am getting cut off the assistance I need to survive. How is that fair? How?

I have no clue how I will live on the tiny little bit that child support and child tax will give me. I really don't know how much its going to cover past rent.

Im just really exhausted. Im stressed out. I need to see a shrink but there are NONE in my area taking people, or the next few towns over. I have been told the only way I can see someone is to get myself admitted in to the hospital on a Psych hold. I have 3 kids and my 2 parents to take care of. I cant do that?

To top off this lovely stuff B got in trouble at school. He hit 4 people and kicked and punched people. Then he had to sit out of lunch play time, he didn't get to do his special helper.

Im just exhausted. Im bleeding money so fast with having to do all this take out. I just feel so angry with the world.

Now I need to clean out my parents horder apartment by myself. Then the same with there storge locker. I also now need to find a 3 bedroom apartment to move in to and its next to impossible.

Im just so totally exhausted. I really wish I had a good close group of friends who would help me. But everyone is so busy with there own lives.

I wake up every morning wondering how im still here. How I keep going. How I manage to keep these kids alive. And how I can afford tomorrow.