A story I needed to hear

There is a wonderful Buddhist story about a woman whose son gets sick and dies. She goes to the Buddha to ask him to bring her son back to life; I will, he says, if you bring me some mustard seed from the home of a family that has not known loss. She goes from house to house but can find no family that has not lost someone dear to them. She buries her son and goes to the Buddha and says: I understand now.

Sick... And more sick...

I have been sick non stop since January. The stress. The everything going on. 

Today I'm just done. I'm on my 4th or 5th antibiotic in 3 months. 

Double ear/throat/chest infection. I'm just done. Sleeping and feeling yucky for 3 days on antibiotics. The doctor can't tell me what's wrong. She is as clueless as I am why I'm so sick. 

I just feel like giving up. 

Big move

Well things have been crazy the last few months. Having a mommy stalker who verbally attacked me at my kids school. Then dealing with my dad in the hospital. 

We had the twins birthday party and it was amazing! The kids had fun! Was just the right amount of kids! 

Now I'm in the process if moving my dad's things. It's hard going through my moms things knowing she will never use it. We are moving things that are important, then I'm going to get junk removal in to clear everything else out. Then someone to clean the place. 

I'm just exhausted. It's hard. 

I just feel like falling apart. The only good thing is that kids are excited about the move. There own rooms. Then getting bikes for there birthday. 

I'm just hoping things go well for them at the new school and we can make some new friends over summer. 

Not cool

So my special stress deodorant exploded on first use. While clicking it up... 

Not cool 

What do you expect in return?

Do you expect anything in return? 

Do it for a smile. For others. Do it because it shows love. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZGghmwUcbQ&sns=em

New normal

The kids are regestared for a new school in September. I found a place for the kids and my father and myself. Great price. Near the kids other grandparents. It's going to be fantastic. 

I'm moving with little sister before B and H and they will follow me at the end of June. 

Very excited for this new chapter! 

The best part is the new school is more worried about H and her learning/anxiety issues then B being trans! 

Now if only I can get B's best friends family to move out this way! 

Maybe I need to just steal Ms A and have her move in! 

It also helps that the sun is shining! 

Mommy bullies

Mommy bullies are gaining momentum. 

I have had to deal with police last week after a week of harassment. 

Last night I had to delete my twitter after someone went over 6 months back in my twitter account to post on Facebook. 

Then in the middle of trying to respond to a friend on FB my account got shut down. They say I'm not me? So off I send my passport in a picture. A day or two and it should be back. 

But this is the start of week 2. 

Can these mothers just go read a book with there kids? After all it's spring break.

 

Money? Lonely? Crazy?

Once again life is catching up with me.  Its one step forward get pushed down 10 steps.

Im just exhausted. Money issues, Making sure both parents are ok. Then there are the issues of making sure B is ok. Then his twin sister H is failing kindergarden. She has gone backwards from the beginning of the year. There is trying to find a rental that will fit my kids, myself, and my father in a wheelchair.

Im just exhausted. Im tired. I can't cook. My body does not want to accept food. I have had bowels have had issues since January when this all started. I have dropped over 50lbs since then and really I'm not trying. I want to say I am. But this is mostly stress.

Im so angry with everything. I try so hard not to cry all the time. Its hard to see a point in the end where things will be ok. Right now its just putting out one fire, to see two more and then having to put those out and seeing two more.

Spring break has not been fun. The kids have not had one fun thing during there break except spending time at A's house. The friend who is watching them. They have  kids around the same age and our kids get along great. Im really scared if we move that the kids won't make as good friends and that there will not be accepting people.

Some drama in a Facebook page got out of hand and I had to call the RCMP and get police involvement and get ahold of Facebook to pull some posts off there and contact one of of the persons employer as its a person who could get access to B's info in the community. I have to follow up with one person who won't be in the office till monday.

Im just so tired. Its hard to get out of the bed in the morning and cleaning has taken a back bench. The dog is also sensing the stress and is going backwards. I would try to re home him if both B and H were not so close to him. His constant pooping in the house, barking, and other issues are a lot for me.

Im just really tired. Really exhausted. Im trying hard to do things for me, but things for myself are at the very end. Especially with 3 kids to take care of, two parents in different places, and then I'm at the bottom. Its been hard fighting with the hospital to get care for my dad. We were having issues with them constantly using products my father is allergic to. To the point where I had to go to the charge nurse, then the hospital social worker, then threaten to go to the media.

Life is just crazy over here.

The worst part is the kids all have fillings (found out in january) and now all 3 kids need to do the light sedation dentistry. The part for parents to pay for all 3 kids is $2000. Yep thats a lot. And to top it off my ex does not want to pay. He is paying just a smudge over child support, Im also supposed to get spousal support but I doubt that will happen. He wants to get a separation agreement, but even with that, he refuses to pay for it. I will come up with half but he still refuses.

Its a never ending fight with him. From the time last month when Little sister was having to go to the hospital for bowel pain and they could not find out what was wrong. He out right refused to leave his date to come watch his kids so I could take her to the emergency room.

Yep. His dating is more important. He is dating a young girl who is working on a double PHD at UBC who is from south america. Any way to make me feel more insecure about myself. I devoted my whole life to supporting him. Suporting him through his IT career, then when he came home when we had a mortgage and told me he quit his job with nothing in sight, I stayed with him when he had an affair with a young girl (who I found out was just a teenager but lied about her age), then when he wanted to have an open marriage and had a relationship with another young girl (this time above the legal age) who ruined my life. And to top it off she works in the mall and I see her often. I stuck by him through this supporting him, Suported him when he wanted to go and become a pilot. supporting him when he wanted to work for the small airport. I was his sounding board. I was the one he came to to tell me problems. I was there for him.

And now I'm alone. Im so alone. I put the kids to bed alone. I take them to school alone. I make them food alone. Im the one there that wipes there tears alone. Im also the one who tells them that even though daddy is not here, he still loves you. And I say that to them even though I have quite a few choice words to tell these kids about there father.

And yet again him here. Alone.

Going quiet

I have had to go quiet for the safety of my kids, and myself due to some lies spread about me on Facebook and women spreading them attacking me on all forms of social media I'm on. 

Kids are good, I am ok. Reports are being made to authorities. 

But it was just a joke....

I just don't know why people think a joke like this is funny? 

They would be up in arms of it was a rape joke. Or what if it was a joke about catholic boys getting assaulted by priests? Or about a group of people like First Nations, Asians, or African Americans? What about if it was talking about people with Down syndrome? 

Yep people would find that not cool. But some how because it's about a transgender person it makes it ok? 

What are we teaching our kids when we have pink shirt day, yet we are posting this on Facebook? 

This is calling everyone that is gender fluid or transgender a second class citizen and making everything we have worked hard for fall apart. 

I teach my 3 kids respect for people. That it's not ok to make fun of a person, and especially not a full group of people. The LGBTQ community has come a long way, but there are still way too many deaths to LGBTQ youth and adults. 

And no I'm sorry, I won't scroll past. Because if we all scrolled past and let it be, Jews would be killed, African Americans would still be getting on at the back of the bus, Asians would still be living in labour camps and hate would rule the world. 

As it stands there are still places LGBTQ people will never be able to visit or live due to the laws allowing people to kill them. 

Till LGBTQ people are safe, I will not quiet my voice. 

Lonely

So I'm now feeling lonely. I have been split up from the kids dad since November, but emotionally longer. I knew the split was coming but not sure who would end the relationship. 

Now that we are split things are going good. Or so I thought. We were co parenting well. Having fun with the kids. Things going good. But it crashed this week. The floor just pulled out from me. 

First started with a fight when I was really sick, no sleep, hacking so hard I was almost passing out and loaded up on way to much codeine. He screamed, I screamed, he threatened to pull over and kick me out of the car. 

Then he pulled a big bomb later that day. He told me he was going out on two dates. It hurt. I was angry, and more I was jealous. Then we had a civil talk about how dating is harder for me then him. He doesn't have to bring up the kids, he doesn't have to be true off the top about B being trans*. And so much more. 

Things were going ok, then he went and txt me last night what he sent the one girl, and how he had not heard back from her. I was hurt as in his txt he was spouting how open and accepting he was. When he was not accepting when I brought it up, he was saying I was pushing B and making too much out of it. How he was not accepting till we had a doctor do a full diagnoses. 

Then she replied. 

All gushy about how she is so happy he is supportive and how it's great. I just wanted to puke. I'm not sure if it's because this woman is someone who I will never be. Or if I'm angry with him. 

And here I sit lonely. 

And all I want is strong arms to hold me while my world is falling apart and tell me things will be ok. 

Spoken word

The most important question for every mother is boy or girl. Pink or blue, hockey or dance. 

But when it's not easy, when your son loves dresses, your daughter loves hokey.  

You fight that thin line of what you think is ok virsus what others think is ok. 

When your child comes to you, in the small quite voice. 

And they question. 

They question themselves. 

Questions you don't have answers for.

They tell you that there was a mistake.

That they are not right. 

That they are not who they are supposed to be. 

You question what you did wrong. If it's your fault. 

But they ask. 

Ask for boxers instead of princess panties.

Hair chopped short like a boy.

They ask to be called him and not her. 

Becomes every time they hear her it's like a dagger through the heart. 

Every time they hear her they go to there room and bang there head on the wall to feel physical pain instead of the emotional.

Because if the pain of the body hurt more then the pain inside it could be ok. 

They ask for a new name. And for you to fight the school to use it. 

They come to you crying when you find out the school forced them to write out the birth name over and over for months.

You wondered why your child was slowly dying inside, but they couldent bear to talk about it. 

The pain of your church telling you your family is not welcome.

The friends who don't return your calls.

Your child's friends not being allowed over because of what the parents think.

And through all of this you try to keep your hed held high. 

You call your child he, and use his new boy name. You join activities and make new friends, but always fearing he will be found out. 

Because your sweet little child has only the flip of a coin if he will live. 

50/50 chance to make it to an adult. 

Because of beatings, attacks, hate groups, dating partners, suicide.

So you try every day, to do what you can. To make sure that coin lands on the right side. 

Why did I let "her" choose.

The question came up in a moms group on why I let B choose to be a boy. 

I never chose. He never chose. He was just born that way. 

It would be like me choosing for my child to have red hair, or green eyes. I don't get that choice. 

Just like how B did not ask for this. What little child would ask for a life of being questioned by everyone? A life where he has to watch his back to make sure a person he thinks is a friend will out him, or one day attack him. 

Why would B want to live in a world where if he travels to some of the states, restaurants can refuse him service. He could be told to leave stores, and treated like a second class citizen. 

My SON B will never get to travel to see where his grandfather came from. To meet my extended family. He would legally allowed to be beat by police officers, and put in jail for life. 

Yes. B is my son. He never got a choice on how he came out. He just came out. And B is my child, and I love him for his spirit and for what he calls his "boy brain". How he lives is not up to me, he has to be true to his authentic self. 

Tonight is going to be a good night

Even though I'm sick and been at the ER too much and on pure codiene to stop my barking cough (and it's not helping). 

Today with all the stress my dad blessed the kids, it's helping my life be a bit easier. We also went to lunch at my dad's request for my birthday (29 and 36 months in a few weeks). At lunch I was noticing how H always has hair in her face and with her issues (sensory/anxiety/ADHD) it's been a fight in the mornings to just get her hair pulled back. At lunch I brought up the idea of doing tiny braids and putting beads on the end. Her choice on the beads so we went and found some star shaped pony beads. I also grabbed the elastics for the loom band craft as they work so well in hair and are cheep for the amount you get! 

I was really suprizes but she sat for over 2 hours while I sectioned her hair, out so much spray conditioner with lavander on her hair and let me get out all the knots. 

The only hard part was the actual corn rows at the front. She is looking a lot like a 80's girl. Was quite cute. H's twin B loves her hair. Says it's the most prity thing he has ever seen, more prity then mommies curls. Little sister is facanated and had a big melt down that I wouldn't do it to her hair right after. Had a good 30 min cry. 

I got to have good cuddles with my kids this weekend. Talking about things I would never normally talk about. 

Saturday was 8 hours of cuddles in bed, watching them play games on the iPad ( reading rainbow is our fave and saved my voice as it reads to the kids). 

Some day they won't want to cuddle. They won't want to be held, they won't come to talk to me. 

I need to cherish these moments. 

I have also had some deep talks with my father. Being able to express my anger, how scared I am, the hurt from not being told he loves me for years. 

He was able to tell me stories about my mom, how her relationship with her mother was messed up and how she never thought she would be a good mom  so she drank and smoked so she could not have a baby. 

So many stories. Life stories. 

But you know what? 

Tonight's going to be a good night. I have a feeling. 

Let it go

I have been holding in so much in the last 7-8 weeks since my dad's brain bleed. Even more since my split with the kids dad. 

Today as I was sick in bed. I have this chest cough and breathing issue that just won't go away. They think it's bronchitis not penomona after a 5 hour ER trip yesterday as steroids, puffers, and antibiotics were not working. 

I have been having vivid dreams and in this one my message was to let it go. To share and not hold back. Because if I'm holding in things, I can't heal from it. 

So at 6am I posted this blog on a mom chat page on Facebook. I was not sure the backlash I would receive... But I did it. 

I can't believe the support from these women. 

Now to just keep posting. To hopefully get more people to comment and follow. And to let it go as Elsa would say. 

Poetry: Questions

Questions float

Through my head 

Angels talking

Past loved ones telling

Sending me

Signs

My mind is clear

My heart beats loud

Trying to think

But think too much

Pain shoots forth

The tears explode

The choice

Has to be done

And I'm

The only one

My heart cries out. 

Not sure what to do

No one to talk to

Another morning

Woken in tears

My pillow soaked

Trying to hide it

My children know

And they let people know

It's ok for mommy to be sad

To cry is ok

But I don't know

How

Choices

My minde rambles

My thoughts a jumble

Trying to find 

The right way

The choice to choose

Option one

Or option two

What could I loose?

My mind flows

To what if

I chose the other

My day focuses

On making the choice

The right choice

And yet

I worry about

Making the wrong one

So yet again

I go to bed

Crawl in 

Pull the blankets

Close my eyes

And try to hide

Tomorrow 

Tommorow I will choose

You do need to take care of yourself

It's true what they say. You do need to take care of yourself when your in tough situations.

I'm learning this first hand. 

Life is beyond crazy. Between going to the nursing home. My dad in the hospital. Art classes. And everything else. I'm just exhausted.

My kids have eaten more fast food then I want to admit. The almost full set of coke pins says it for me. 

When my kids are calling the friends mom who watches them Thursday/Friday there "other mom" you know things are a lot. 

I'm stuck on a short fuze. I'm exhausted. I forgot to take care of me. 

I had to take small fry to the doctor to get wax out of her ears. They flushed it. I got our doc to check me since I had a sore throat and ears. He said I was fine. Wednesday I started hacking. Turns out as I had a major can't breath attack yesterday that I have penomnina. And bad. Antibiotics, steroids, and puffers. Great. I'm glad though that the kids dad took them to Oma's till Monday. 

Now I'm hoping I can can recoup as I need to search for rentals, and try to find a place with 3 bedrooms and wheelchair accessabity.

I think it's time I update regularly. I'm thinking of getting back in to poetry. 

Well the life of a single mom to transgender kid and 2 more who now takes care of her father with a brain bleed... 

Wow... This is my life...

They say God never gives you more then you can't handle.

well get this? THEY LIED!

4 weeks ago I got a call that my dad was taken unconscious to emergency. I thought nothing of it. But it turned out that he had a major brain bleed, I had no clue if he would survive or not.

Well its been 4 weeks. He is not able to move his left side. He cant swallow on his own, and he is aspirating his saliva.
I'm running back and forth between the hospital and Nursing home and taking care of my trans* child and his sisters. I had to get someone to watch the 3 on Thursday and Friday. Thank goodness she is a LGBTQ ally and knows that B is Trans*.

Im just exhausted. The worst part is I got cut off welfare because of getting power of atourny over my father.
In order to pay his bills and my moms nursing home, I now am getting cut off the assistance I need to survive. How is that fair? How?

I have no clue how I will live on the tiny little bit that child support and child tax will give me. I really don't know how much its going to cover past rent.

Im just really exhausted. Im stressed out. I need to see a shrink but there are NONE in my area taking people, or the next few towns over. I have been told the only way I can see someone is to get myself admitted in to the hospital on a Psych hold. I have 3 kids and my 2 parents to take care of. I cant do that?

To top off this lovely stuff B got in trouble at school. He hit 4 people and kicked and punched people. Then he had to sit out of lunch play time, he didn't get to do his special helper.

Im just exhausted. Im bleeding money so fast with having to do all this take out. I just feel so angry with the world.

Now I need to clean out my parents horder apartment by myself. Then the same with there storge locker. I also now need to find a 3 bedroom apartment to move in to and its next to impossible.

Im just so totally exhausted. I really wish I had a good close group of friends who would help me. But everyone is so busy with there own lives.

I wake up every morning wondering how im still here. How I keep going. How I manage to keep these kids alive. And how I can afford tomorrow.

Guilt

I have so much guilt right now. Guilt that I'm doing the wrong things for my parent.

My dad had emergency surgery last Friday. He was found unconscious with a brain bleed. 

No care plan, never told me his wishes. 

Luckily he survived surgery. Agreed to power of atourny as long as I don't pull the plug. 

I had to put my mom in a nursing home. I could not do 24h care for her. It was too much. 

Mom is adjusting ok. She got a bath today. A full soaking bath. I was so happy. 

Now to see how well it goes. I miss my mom. 

The worst part is I miss my dad. I miss his annoying calls. The calls about stupid things. I miss him so much 

Life turned upside down

Life got turned upside down 2 days ago. I got a call from my moms home care. I called back only to find out my dad was found unconscious on the floor, but breathing. 

I had to call my ex to take me to emergency. I could not get him to pick up. We have been doing visitation with the kids but I'm supervising. 

I had friends from Facebook calling because he was not picking up. 

I remembered he sometimes went to the pool with a mutual friend. So I called his cell. No answer. So I called the pool they usually go to. The receptionist said they usually don't find people in the pool, but I explained what happened and she got a lifeguard. They found him and got him on the phone for me. He came as soon as he heard. He cares for my parents. He has known them since he was 16 years old. 

Our mutual friend stayed at the house till my ex inlaws got there then went home. My ex dropped me at emerge then went to be with my mom.

At the hospital I got taken back by a socialworker. My first thought was he was dead. But he wasn't. They told me they did not know what was wrong, they were doing a CT and would bring me back when it was done. 

I started freaking out. 

I started posting on Facebook, unfiltered. 

Everyone got updates on what was going on. Even the people I had filtered. 

I got brought back, the doctor talked to me, he told me there was a brain bleed the size of a golf ball. They don't know how or why. But that there was a chance he would not make it. 

I started to cry. The doctor told me they had sent his CT to head of Neuro at the big trauma hospital in the next town over. 

20-30 min later we got word that the neuro wanted him there. We got prepared to take him there, lights and sirens going. It was a bleak night and it was pouring rain. I was scared. 

My aunt met me at the hospital. My dad was brought to trauma room, I had to wait outside as a person had passed in the next bead over. 

I waited over an hour. I finally got in to see him. A social worker came down as I was concerned about my moms care. The social worker was cold and calus. Saying there was no way she could help when the one at surrey was all reddy putting things in place. 

The one at the trauma hospital just suggested bringing my mom to the ER and leaving her. I could not do that. 

The Neuro they brought in suggested surgery. I had to sign consent forms. The surgery could make him well enough to be in a wheelchair, or worst case, he would be the same, or he could pass away. His surgery got bumped for 2 c-sections. My aunt stayed with me. She took me to my moms when he went in. The Neuro said he would call me when it was over. 

I got to my moms at 8:30. Figuring things out and I went for a nap. My phone rang and it was my moms case manager. I first thought of respite care. But then I realized my dad could be in the hospital for months. So I asked for a home. It was the worst thing in the world to have to ask for. But I did it. The next step was telling my mom what was going on. 

Now I have to figure out how to get power of autourny over my mom sand dad. How to get acess to there finances to pay for this all. I'm just lost and scared. 

I got ahold of one of my aunts on my fathers side. Today I need to call my other aunts and uncles and let them know what happened to dad. 

Today I'm also going to see my dad after training my ex on how to do moms feeding tube. 

I'm just exhausted. I'm done. And I'm scared. I miss my fathers voice. I'm young. I'm 30. I should not be having to deal with so much.

I just want to fall appart. 

Sick to my stomach.

Today I'm sick to my stomach. New year new debt. Getting things for my house, first months rent and all the little things and my emergency credit card is maxed. 

I'm trying hard to be calm and not shit a brick. My welfare check of just $1,027 is almost all spent. With it covering my $950 in rent, and there not being much left for food. 

It's the first day of a brand new year. And here I am. Scared that I made the wrong choice. 

It doesn't help that we stayed at the kids dad grandparents. My ex mil oven stopped working so a few of us got sick. Then H ended up with explosive poop. Not expecting that. 

At 4 am the kids uncle who was getting drunk with his friends in his room got loud and roudy and then woke me and the dog up from the couch. 

The only good part of the day is that I got rubermade bins cheep and a new dishwasher from my dad that will be here next week. 

Now to be an adult and figure out how to pay bills.