Guest post from the heart.

I'm so sorry about your preschool experience. First, let me say that I don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes, to have your child. I do know a little about schools and have some experience supporting gender variant students. I hope my journey and insight might be helpful.

I'm in a very conservative district in Nebraska. I think the key to my school best supporting all kids is information. How much time do you have before school starts? Do you have the luxury of picking a school? If so, I would "school shop". I would ask for a tour of the building. There should be little signs or signals that could indicate the general attitude of acceptance without you giving any information about your kid. If anything, the little signs might give you an indication on whether the school is willing to learn and adjust to best serve any student. Even if you can't choose a school, I would ask for a tour. We had a family that didn't disclose anything about their child and toured many schools, talked to the various principals, and asked other families for the inside scoop around the area. To be honest, she had kind of ruled out our entire district until visiting our school. All of our public schools are not open to everyone, but there is some flexibility due to certain neighborhoods being overcrowded and others not having many school age kids. Kindergarten is not required by law in my area (I guess I shouldn't state that as a fact, but it wasn't four years ago when I was contemplating sending my oldest). It also takes about 30 days for parents to be approved for homeschooling. I don't know if your area has similar practices/policy. Unfortunately, schools can be one of the toughest places for gender variant kids. With that said, it doesn't have to be that way. My school and district are not perfect. We have made mistakes and I'm sure will make more I do think we have grown by LEAPS AND BOUNDS within the last two years. I have seen many students flourish due to the new knowledge of our staff and the support of families. The growth made was due to training, support from the DISTRICT office, and 1-2 adult advocates within each building.

If I were you, I would probably read the above paragraph and be overwhelmed on where to start. We have had many gender variant kids within our school, but I'm embarrassed to say that it wasn't until we had a trans kid come to us, that our eyes were opened to the changes we needed to make to be welcoming and supportive of ALL kids. I also think that we had some experiences about 5 years ago that could have been handled better and we now realize the power we have to either create a learning place of empowerment and support or hindrance and hurt. We knew this around other issues, but we didn't have a clue how the binary was impacting all kids.

I now feel like the gender police. My oldest child is a cisgender boy and I just met with the principal yesterday regarding the student supply list being gendered!!! The supplies are not gendered by color or even implying certain things are only possible if you are a boy or girl, but they have boys bringing one supply for the entire class to use and girls bringing another for the entire class to use...an easy way to evenly split the supply burden amongst the class. This was not okay with me. It was the principal's first day back from summer break, school starts in about two weeks, she had new teachers walking into her building any minute, and here I came with a concern regarding something like the school supply list. She probably thought that she had bigger issues to deal with, however, shortly into the conversation, I saw a light bulb go off in her head. She wasn't defensive and said it would be changed for next year. Unfortunately, the supply list was already displayed in stores, and mailed to the parents/guardians of the 750 kids attending this school. I only had to say a few things about how this probably wasn't a good practice and she gave me even more reasons it should be stopped. She also admitted that she had never thought of it and probably would have never thought of it had I not brought it up. I stressed that this was not just about kids that may not fit in the binary boxes of gender, but this was about all kids...MY kid. My oldest boy OVERLY identifies with being a boy. Even before "my eyes were opened" to all of the restrictions within our society regarding gender, I have been battling this with him...trying to explain that toys are just toys...not girl toys or boy toys, colors are just colors, etc. He looks at me like I have three heads. My experience with my CONFORMING child has convinced me even more of the importance of celebrating the diversity within all children. I think children are the best humans I have ever met...let's grow them into confident, fantastic adults! My son will have MANY SOCIETAL norms reinforcing his gender expression. I don't need a school supply list doing it or making other kids feeling unwelcomed or shamed.

I think this is what Gender Spectrum is perfect for...guiding schools through this growth. The amazing family that helped our school had the guidance of a local therapist...not because something was wrong with their child, but because they didn't know how to navigate our community that might not be accepting of their smart, quirky (in the most fabulous, smile inducing way), musically and mathematically gifted, artistic, animal LOVING transgirl This child was a gift to our school! I felt honored that the parents trusted us. There are so many fascinating pieces of her identity that I rarely think of her gender expression as any bigger piece than the others...but at this point, that would require me to think of her genitals and I don't think of genitals when I think of children...or adults for that matter...sorry for the frankness.

I know I am not in your situation and can't imagine. One of my children really struggles with anxiety, an INVISIBLE struggle. That is difficult enough...let alone the hard job of parenting any kid. I do hope that my insight gives you hope. There are schools, staff, kids, and families that will be supportive of your child. They may need guidance. It may be a bumpy ride. Life can be very messy. Your child is lucky to have you! If I can be of any help with future school questions, let me know. Like I said in my first post, this is a very personal decision. You are the only one that will know what is right for your family. I think the safety and well-being of your child is of utmost importance, but I don't think any decision should be made strictly out of fear. Otherwise, we may never leave our homes

Wishing you and your child the best,
j