Money? Lonely? Crazy?

Once again life is catching up with me.  Its one step forward get pushed down 10 steps.

Im just exhausted. Money issues, Making sure both parents are ok. Then there are the issues of making sure B is ok. Then his twin sister H is failing kindergarden. She has gone backwards from the beginning of the year. There is trying to find a rental that will fit my kids, myself, and my father in a wheelchair.

Im just exhausted. Im tired. I can't cook. My body does not want to accept food. I have had bowels have had issues since January when this all started. I have dropped over 50lbs since then and really I'm not trying. I want to say I am. But this is mostly stress.

Im so angry with everything. I try so hard not to cry all the time. Its hard to see a point in the end where things will be ok. Right now its just putting out one fire, to see two more and then having to put those out and seeing two more.

Spring break has not been fun. The kids have not had one fun thing during there break except spending time at A's house. The friend who is watching them. They have  kids around the same age and our kids get along great. Im really scared if we move that the kids won't make as good friends and that there will not be accepting people.

Some drama in a Facebook page got out of hand and I had to call the RCMP and get police involvement and get ahold of Facebook to pull some posts off there and contact one of of the persons employer as its a person who could get access to B's info in the community. I have to follow up with one person who won't be in the office till monday.

Im just so tired. Its hard to get out of the bed in the morning and cleaning has taken a back bench. The dog is also sensing the stress and is going backwards. I would try to re home him if both B and H were not so close to him. His constant pooping in the house, barking, and other issues are a lot for me.

Im just really tired. Really exhausted. Im trying hard to do things for me, but things for myself are at the very end. Especially with 3 kids to take care of, two parents in different places, and then I'm at the bottom. Its been hard fighting with the hospital to get care for my dad. We were having issues with them constantly using products my father is allergic to. To the point where I had to go to the charge nurse, then the hospital social worker, then threaten to go to the media.

Life is just crazy over here.

The worst part is the kids all have fillings (found out in january) and now all 3 kids need to do the light sedation dentistry. The part for parents to pay for all 3 kids is $2000. Yep thats a lot. And to top it off my ex does not want to pay. He is paying just a smudge over child support, Im also supposed to get spousal support but I doubt that will happen. He wants to get a separation agreement, but even with that, he refuses to pay for it. I will come up with half but he still refuses.

Its a never ending fight with him. From the time last month when Little sister was having to go to the hospital for bowel pain and they could not find out what was wrong. He out right refused to leave his date to come watch his kids so I could take her to the emergency room.

Yep. His dating is more important. He is dating a young girl who is working on a double PHD at UBC who is from south america. Any way to make me feel more insecure about myself. I devoted my whole life to supporting him. Suporting him through his IT career, then when he came home when we had a mortgage and told me he quit his job with nothing in sight, I stayed with him when he had an affair with a young girl (who I found out was just a teenager but lied about her age), then when he wanted to have an open marriage and had a relationship with another young girl (this time above the legal age) who ruined my life. And to top it off she works in the mall and I see her often. I stuck by him through this supporting him, Suported him when he wanted to go and become a pilot. supporting him when he wanted to work for the small airport. I was his sounding board. I was the one he came to to tell me problems. I was there for him.

And now I'm alone. Im so alone. I put the kids to bed alone. I take them to school alone. I make them food alone. Im the one there that wipes there tears alone. Im also the one who tells them that even though daddy is not here, he still loves you. And I say that to them even though I have quite a few choice words to tell these kids about there father.

And yet again him here. Alone.