Lonely

So I'm now feeling lonely. I have been split up from the kids dad since November, but emotionally longer. I knew the split was coming but not sure who would end the relationship. 

Now that we are split things are going good. Or so I thought. We were co parenting well. Having fun with the kids. Things going good. But it crashed this week. The floor just pulled out from me. 

First started with a fight when I was really sick, no sleep, hacking so hard I was almost passing out and loaded up on way to much codeine. He screamed, I screamed, he threatened to pull over and kick me out of the car. 

Then he pulled a big bomb later that day. He told me he was going out on two dates. It hurt. I was angry, and more I was jealous. Then we had a civil talk about how dating is harder for me then him. He doesn't have to bring up the kids, he doesn't have to be true off the top about B being trans*. And so much more. 

Things were going ok, then he went and txt me last night what he sent the one girl, and how he had not heard back from her. I was hurt as in his txt he was spouting how open and accepting he was. When he was not accepting when I brought it up, he was saying I was pushing B and making too much out of it. How he was not accepting till we had a doctor do a full diagnoses. 

Then she replied. 

All gushy about how she is so happy he is supportive and how it's great. I just wanted to puke. I'm not sure if it's because this woman is someone who I will never be. Or if I'm angry with him. 

And here I sit lonely. 

And all I want is strong arms to hold me while my world is falling apart and tell me things will be ok.