Mommy bullies

Mommy bullies are gaining momentum. 

I have had to deal with police last week after a week of harassment. 

Last night I had to delete my twitter after someone went over 6 months back in my twitter account to post on Facebook. 

Then in the middle of trying to respond to a friend on FB my account got shut down. They say I'm not me? So off I send my passport in a picture. A day or two and it should be back. 

But this is the start of week 2. 

Can these mothers just go read a book with there kids? After all it's spring break.

 

Money? Lonely? Crazy?

Once again life is catching up with me.  Its one step forward get pushed down 10 steps.

Im just exhausted. Money issues, Making sure both parents are ok. Then there are the issues of making sure B is ok. Then his twin sister H is failing kindergarden. She has gone backwards from the beginning of the year. There is trying to find a rental that will fit my kids, myself, and my father in a wheelchair.

Im just exhausted. Im tired. I can't cook. My body does not want to accept food. I have had bowels have had issues since January when this all started. I have dropped over 50lbs since then and really I'm not trying. I want to say I am. But this is mostly stress.

Im so angry with everything. I try so hard not to cry all the time. Its hard to see a point in the end where things will be ok. Right now its just putting out one fire, to see two more and then having to put those out and seeing two more.

Spring break has not been fun. The kids have not had one fun thing during there break except spending time at A's house. The friend who is watching them. They have  kids around the same age and our kids get along great. Im really scared if we move that the kids won't make as good friends and that there will not be accepting people.

Some drama in a Facebook page got out of hand and I had to call the RCMP and get police involvement and get ahold of Facebook to pull some posts off there and contact one of of the persons employer as its a person who could get access to B's info in the community. I have to follow up with one person who won't be in the office till monday.

Im just so tired. Its hard to get out of the bed in the morning and cleaning has taken a back bench. The dog is also sensing the stress and is going backwards. I would try to re home him if both B and H were not so close to him. His constant pooping in the house, barking, and other issues are a lot for me.

Im just really tired. Really exhausted. Im trying hard to do things for me, but things for myself are at the very end. Especially with 3 kids to take care of, two parents in different places, and then I'm at the bottom. Its been hard fighting with the hospital to get care for my dad. We were having issues with them constantly using products my father is allergic to. To the point where I had to go to the charge nurse, then the hospital social worker, then threaten to go to the media.

Life is just crazy over here.

The worst part is the kids all have fillings (found out in january) and now all 3 kids need to do the light sedation dentistry. The part for parents to pay for all 3 kids is $2000. Yep thats a lot. And to top it off my ex does not want to pay. He is paying just a smudge over child support, Im also supposed to get spousal support but I doubt that will happen. He wants to get a separation agreement, but even with that, he refuses to pay for it. I will come up with half but he still refuses.

Its a never ending fight with him. From the time last month when Little sister was having to go to the hospital for bowel pain and they could not find out what was wrong. He out right refused to leave his date to come watch his kids so I could take her to the emergency room.

Yep. His dating is more important. He is dating a young girl who is working on a double PHD at UBC who is from south america. Any way to make me feel more insecure about myself. I devoted my whole life to supporting him. Suporting him through his IT career, then when he came home when we had a mortgage and told me he quit his job with nothing in sight, I stayed with him when he had an affair with a young girl (who I found out was just a teenager but lied about her age), then when he wanted to have an open marriage and had a relationship with another young girl (this time above the legal age) who ruined my life. And to top it off she works in the mall and I see her often. I stuck by him through this supporting him, Suported him when he wanted to go and become a pilot. supporting him when he wanted to work for the small airport. I was his sounding board. I was the one he came to to tell me problems. I was there for him.

And now I'm alone. Im so alone. I put the kids to bed alone. I take them to school alone. I make them food alone. Im the one there that wipes there tears alone. Im also the one who tells them that even though daddy is not here, he still loves you. And I say that to them even though I have quite a few choice words to tell these kids about there father.

And yet again him here. Alone.

Going quiet

I have had to go quiet for the safety of my kids, and myself due to some lies spread about me on Facebook and women spreading them attacking me on all forms of social media I'm on. 

Kids are good, I am ok. Reports are being made to authorities. 

But it was just a joke....

I just don't know why people think a joke like this is funny? 

They would be up in arms of it was a rape joke. Or what if it was a joke about catholic boys getting assaulted by priests? Or about a group of people like First Nations, Asians, or African Americans? What about if it was talking about people with Down syndrome? 

Yep people would find that not cool. But some how because it's about a transgender person it makes it ok? 

What are we teaching our kids when we have pink shirt day, yet we are posting this on Facebook? 

This is calling everyone that is gender fluid or transgender a second class citizen and making everything we have worked hard for fall apart. 

I teach my 3 kids respect for people. That it's not ok to make fun of a person, and especially not a full group of people. The LGBTQ community has come a long way, but there are still way too many deaths to LGBTQ youth and adults. 

And no I'm sorry, I won't scroll past. Because if we all scrolled past and let it be, Jews would be killed, African Americans would still be getting on at the back of the bus, Asians would still be living in labour camps and hate would rule the world. 

As it stands there are still places LGBTQ people will never be able to visit or live due to the laws allowing people to kill them. 

Till LGBTQ people are safe, I will not quiet my voice. 

Lonely

So I'm now feeling lonely. I have been split up from the kids dad since November, but emotionally longer. I knew the split was coming but not sure who would end the relationship. 

Now that we are split things are going good. Or so I thought. We were co parenting well. Having fun with the kids. Things going good. But it crashed this week. The floor just pulled out from me. 

First started with a fight when I was really sick, no sleep, hacking so hard I was almost passing out and loaded up on way to much codeine. He screamed, I screamed, he threatened to pull over and kick me out of the car. 

Then he pulled a big bomb later that day. He told me he was going out on two dates. It hurt. I was angry, and more I was jealous. Then we had a civil talk about how dating is harder for me then him. He doesn't have to bring up the kids, he doesn't have to be true off the top about B being trans*. And so much more. 

Things were going ok, then he went and txt me last night what he sent the one girl, and how he had not heard back from her. I was hurt as in his txt he was spouting how open and accepting he was. When he was not accepting when I brought it up, he was saying I was pushing B and making too much out of it. How he was not accepting till we had a doctor do a full diagnoses. 

Then she replied. 

All gushy about how she is so happy he is supportive and how it's great. I just wanted to puke. I'm not sure if it's because this woman is someone who I will never be. Or if I'm angry with him. 

And here I sit lonely. 

And all I want is strong arms to hold me while my world is falling apart and tell me things will be ok. 

Spoken word

The most important question for every mother is boy or girl. Pink or blue, hockey or dance. 

But when it's not easy, when your son loves dresses, your daughter loves hokey.  

You fight that thin line of what you think is ok virsus what others think is ok. 

When your child comes to you, in the small quite voice. 

And they question. 

They question themselves. 

Questions you don't have answers for.

They tell you that there was a mistake.

That they are not right. 

That they are not who they are supposed to be. 

You question what you did wrong. If it's your fault. 

But they ask. 

Ask for boxers instead of princess panties.

Hair chopped short like a boy.

They ask to be called him and not her. 

Becomes every time they hear her it's like a dagger through the heart. 

Every time they hear her they go to there room and bang there head on the wall to feel physical pain instead of the emotional.

Because if the pain of the body hurt more then the pain inside it could be ok. 

They ask for a new name. And for you to fight the school to use it. 

They come to you crying when you find out the school forced them to write out the birth name over and over for months.

You wondered why your child was slowly dying inside, but they couldent bear to talk about it. 

The pain of your church telling you your family is not welcome.

The friends who don't return your calls.

Your child's friends not being allowed over because of what the parents think.

And through all of this you try to keep your hed held high. 

You call your child he, and use his new boy name. You join activities and make new friends, but always fearing he will be found out. 

Because your sweet little child has only the flip of a coin if he will live. 

50/50 chance to make it to an adult. 

Because of beatings, attacks, hate groups, dating partners, suicide.

So you try every day, to do what you can. To make sure that coin lands on the right side. 

Why did I let "her" choose.

The question came up in a moms group on why I let B choose to be a boy. 

I never chose. He never chose. He was just born that way. 

It would be like me choosing for my child to have red hair, or green eyes. I don't get that choice. 

Just like how B did not ask for this. What little child would ask for a life of being questioned by everyone? A life where he has to watch his back to make sure a person he thinks is a friend will out him, or one day attack him. 

Why would B want to live in a world where if he travels to some of the states, restaurants can refuse him service. He could be told to leave stores, and treated like a second class citizen. 

My SON B will never get to travel to see where his grandfather came from. To meet my extended family. He would legally allowed to be beat by police officers, and put in jail for life. 

Yes. B is my son. He never got a choice on how he came out. He just came out. And B is my child, and I love him for his spirit and for what he calls his "boy brain". How he lives is not up to me, he has to be true to his authentic self. 

Tonight is going to be a good night

Even though I'm sick and been at the ER too much and on pure codiene to stop my barking cough (and it's not helping). 

Today with all the stress my dad blessed the kids, it's helping my life be a bit easier. We also went to lunch at my dad's request for my birthday (29 and 36 months in a few weeks). At lunch I was noticing how H always has hair in her face and with her issues (sensory/anxiety/ADHD) it's been a fight in the mornings to just get her hair pulled back. At lunch I brought up the idea of doing tiny braids and putting beads on the end. Her choice on the beads so we went and found some star shaped pony beads. I also grabbed the elastics for the loom band craft as they work so well in hair and are cheep for the amount you get! 

I was really suprizes but she sat for over 2 hours while I sectioned her hair, out so much spray conditioner with lavander on her hair and let me get out all the knots. 

The only hard part was the actual corn rows at the front. She is looking a lot like a 80's girl. Was quite cute. H's twin B loves her hair. Says it's the most prity thing he has ever seen, more prity then mommies curls. Little sister is facanated and had a big melt down that I wouldn't do it to her hair right after. Had a good 30 min cry. 

I got to have good cuddles with my kids this weekend. Talking about things I would never normally talk about. 

Saturday was 8 hours of cuddles in bed, watching them play games on the iPad ( reading rainbow is our fave and saved my voice as it reads to the kids). 

Some day they won't want to cuddle. They won't want to be held, they won't come to talk to me. 

I need to cherish these moments. 

I have also had some deep talks with my father. Being able to express my anger, how scared I am, the hurt from not being told he loves me for years. 

He was able to tell me stories about my mom, how her relationship with her mother was messed up and how she never thought she would be a good mom  so she drank and smoked so she could not have a baby. 

So many stories. Life stories. 

But you know what? 

Tonight's going to be a good night. I have a feeling.