20/20

Yesterday long after the kids were in bed and asleep I went in to my room and flipped in the TV. 20/20 was on. It was a show I like to watch on occasion. Last nights story when I turned it on was about two transgendered teens.

Everything they said. About knowing from ages 3-4 struck me. My child knows. My child knows that my child s a boy. My child knows that inside that my child should have a penis and not a vagina. My child act, talks, and plays like a boy. Why can't everyone else around us see that? It hurts. It hurts the most that her father doesn't see it. Do we have to wait till my child try's to commit suicide? There is a 50% chance my child will try.

20/20 segment I was talking about

A long time UPDATE.

It's been some time since I last posted. My husband thinks I'm pushing so I backed off. We saw our doctor for kindergarten shots and the doctor could see that my child is transgendered.

It's been hard. Daycare is not as accepting. But the main teacher is a Asian catholic. Very religious. I know where she is coming from. I was raised in a Christian home. I went to a Christian school till grade 9 when I left because of bullying. Now I worry what my child will be getting in to with kindergarten starting in September.

This morning my child woke up early. 6 am. I was on the couch as I broke my leg and its more comfortable then my bed up the stairs. My child came down and cuddled. We talked. I asked if my child feels like a girl or a boy. In typical fashion my child said "mom I'm a boy inside but I have girl parts". A few weeks ago my child asked for me to take out my child's earrings. I started to cry. I pushed it off that we would talk about it later.

It makes me sad to be loosing my girl. I knew from the start. My child was the more active of the twins. I felt an instant bond. I just don't know. I want my child to be happy. I want my child to be whoever my chis is. But this is not going to be easy. It's a hard road. A trip I don't want to take if I don't have to.

With everything in my life right now. My mother sick and dying, my not working to take care of my mom so our bills are tight, my husband is not happy with his job, finding money for his schooling for the next semester, bills that keep coming in and trying to figure out how to pay.

School is coming up. Things are going to be tight. School supplies. 2 pairs of shoes for each kid (inside and outside). Backpacks. Lunch boxes. Clothes as they are growing like weeds. I have no boy clothes for child, thankfully friends have given or sold us cheep clothes for the other two. It doesn't help that the youngest is now almost in the same size clothes as the twins.

I feel like there is so much and I'm drowning. I just want my child to have an good life. An easy life. I don't want to see my child crying. I don't like to see any of them cry, but it hurts even more when Childs friends won't play because child is physically a girl. Child has chosen a gender neutral name. It's trendy and cute and child can write it all on his own.

I'm having a hard time with pronouns. But I'm working on it.

Im Just floating in a sea of emotions.

Homophobic grandpa

So child's grandpa is old school. Very homophobic. He won't accept child. Calls child by child's birth name, not child's chosen name.

Two days ago we were over and grandpa asked child why child thinks child is a boy. Then asked child if child has boy parts. I was so proud of my child. Child looked at grandpa and walked away.

Last night on the phone grandpa asked me what bathroom child will use when child starts kindergarten. Telling me child will get beat up if child uses the boys room.

We got our referral as well for the developmental ped. Our family doctor thinks she will be able to help out with this and her anger issues.

Now to just relax. And be calm and carry on.

Kindergarten shots.

So the twins had there kindergarten shots this morning. Our family doctor has not seen child since before the hair cut and the out word vocalization that child is a boy.

Our doctor picked up on it right away. Child told our doctor the male name child likes, and told the doctor that child is a boy.

Doctor is not worried but said it might not be a phase. He told us transgendered kids start expressing it early. To keep an eye on it.

Child is having issues with aggression at school. So we got a referral for child to see the same developmental ped doc that her twin saw for ADHD diagnosses. Our doctor also said child might be just too smart. Her preschool teacher is giving her k-1 level work for some things.

Child also chose boys shorts and tank at H&M today. Had an altercation with my father over child's choice. Telling child that he can't be a boy. Thankfully child did not yell or scream but just walked away.

Tonight I have a book club with my mom friends. Can't wait to de-stress.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog post. This blog is about my child. My child was born a girl. Along with her fraternal twin sister. She was born first. My baby A. The strong child that kicked, punched, and pushed my belly. My child that had a rough start with allergies. Allergic to both dairy and soy and I was unable to breast feed. My child that spent lots of time screaming in pain from reflux till we found the problem.

A little over two years ago. At potty training age she started to wear boys undies. She wanted Spider-Man. So we bought them. Then more boys clothes came. Till my child was wearing full boys clothes.

My child asked for a penis. It crushed me. I joked around about smelly boy penises. That my child would not want one. Teasing my child... My child would ask once a month for a penis. My husband thinking I was pushing my child to be a boy.

Then since September last year my child asked for a haircut. For short hair like daddy. Finally just after Christmas we took my child to a salon to get it cut even though I'm a hairdresser. I did not want my child hating it if it was not liked.  My child loved it.

Just before my child's 5 th birthday, my child asked to be called a boy. My child has for two years asked to be called handsome instead of pretty. My child has smiled when people call my child a boy. And now my child asked to shorten the name to a more boy sounding name.

My child's twin sister has been calling my child a boy for quite some time. My child likes that. My child plays with boys at the park, and gets upset if they find out that my child is biologically a girl as my child feels like a boy.

Kindergarten starts in September and we are stuck with do we put our child in as a girl or a boy?
How do we truly start this transition.