It's been some time since I last posted. My husband thinks I'm pushing so I backed off. We saw our doctor for kindergarten shots and the doctor could see that my child is transgendered.
It's been hard. Daycare is not as accepting. But the main teacher is a Asian catholic. Very religious. I know where she is coming from. I was raised in a Christian home. I went to a Christian school till grade 9 when I left because of bullying. Now I worry what my child will be getting in to with kindergarten starting in September.
This morning my child woke up early. 6 am. I was on the couch as I broke my leg and its more comfortable then my bed up the stairs. My child came down and cuddled. We talked. I asked if my child feels like a girl or a boy. In typical fashion my child said "mom I'm a boy inside but I have girl parts". A few weeks ago my child asked for me to take out my child's earrings. I started to cry. I pushed it off that we would talk about it later.
It makes me sad to be loosing my girl. I knew from the start. My child was the more active of the twins. I felt an instant bond. I just don't know. I want my child to be happy. I want my child to be whoever my chis is. But this is not going to be easy. It's a hard road. A trip I don't want to take if I don't have to.
With everything in my life right now. My mother sick and dying, my not working to take care of my mom so our bills are tight, my husband is not happy with his job, finding money for his schooling for the next semester, bills that keep coming in and trying to figure out how to pay.
School is coming up. Things are going to be tight. School supplies. 2 pairs of shoes for each kid (inside and outside). Backpacks. Lunch boxes. Clothes as they are growing like weeds. I have no boy clothes for child, thankfully friends have given or sold us cheep clothes for the other two. It doesn't help that the youngest is now almost in the same size clothes as the twins.
I feel like there is so much and I'm drowning. I just want my child to have an good life. An easy life. I don't want to see my child crying. I don't like to see any of them cry, but it hurts even more when Childs friends won't play because child is physically a girl. Child has chosen a gender neutral name. It's trendy and cute and child can write it all on his own.
I'm having a hard time with pronouns. But I'm working on it.
Im Just floating in a sea of emotions.
I think you're handling this wonderfully. The more support you give him, the easier his life will be. That's the thing that matters, is is not?
ReplyDeleteI didn't have that support, because I got too afraid of other's reactions to be who I felt I was inside. I became invisible. That's something I'd never wish upon my worst enemy. The only thing to do is to support, to let him be what he feels he is. :)