Letter to my children

Dear kids. 

This letter is hard to write. But it's one you need to know. Your mother has a mental illness. 

I was always depressed as a kid. A troubled teen. A handful. Anger that could bring a grown man to his knees.

After the twins birth I was diagnosed with PPD. It was hard. While I was pregnate with little sister I landed in emergency so many times. Vomiting till I would vomit bike and blood. My veins would collapse from dehydration. After $1000 in pills and still no help and ER doctors who knew me by name the depression set in. Sobbing in the ER. Getting admited to a quiet room on the maternity ward away from the babies, and crying. 

I was so sick that at 22 weeks along my OBGYN went to the ethics board to get approval for an abortion. I could not do that to little sister. 

I had an IV placed that went to a vein near my heart. I went 2x a day for IV meds and did my own IV liquids at home. 

After little sister was born the sadness hit. I got in with a special doctor. I was diagnosed as Bi Polar. It explained all my moods. 

But I got discharged as they only help out moms till the baby was a year old. 

I floated from doctor to my family doctor. No psych willing to take me on. Not for 5 years. 

Now I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the angry mommy who switches to fun mommy as the spur of the moment. I'm sorry that you are growing up with a mom who swings from happy to suicidal. One who hasn't found meds that work yet.

But thank you for the hugs and kisses and telling me I'm the best mommy.

I will love you to the moon and back. 

Your mommy 

Kicked out of school in kindergarden

Things are rough at B school. He has so much anger. I know a lot is leftover from the preschool. 

I dread pick up now. To find out what he did. Yesterday he hit 4 kids. He punched a kid that was playing with his best bud K. Then at carpet time a girl was sitting close and so he punched her hand and ground her fingers in to the carpet. There was 2 more but I have no clue what to do. 

I'm thinking of homeschooling. But B and I are so alike personality wise I'm not sure if that would work. 

I also wonder if B is not being challenged enough. He is smart as a whip when it comes to learning. He loves science. 

I just don't know what to do. I'm in tears. 

I'm not alone

This week my husband and I went to a support group. The kids went to the kids one at the same time. B did not want to share it with H and little sister. 

It was quite good to hear the other parents. But it hurt in some way as some have older kids and we see what they are going through, double masactomy, binding, special underwear, kids transitioning to boys still having periods ect. And with us, with B he came out so young thanks to medical advances he will  never go through that. 

One father valadated my feelings about no wedding, no kids, no typical girl things and then getting to do all the boy things. 

Another mom cried with me over the talk of photos. That I have all of mine packed up in a box. Only these last few months B has looked like a boy. I have applied to a program that takes pictures for families going through medical things. I hope they accept us. 

B has 3 new friends and a best bud K that he looks for every day at school. It's nice to see him blossom. 

Choices

The choices that we make in life are done for a reason. Sometimes other people may not understand why we make the choices we do but that is part of life, and the resulting experiences will shape and mould who we are and who we become. The difficult choices are always the scariest. Stepping outside of our comfort zones could be the choice we make that saves our sanity, provides a better life for our children and challenges our belief systems,on many levels. Ultimately we are solely responsible for our own actions, thoughts and choices. We, ourselves, are the ones who must live with the choices we make on a daily basis. I only hope that you have the courage to make the best decision you can when the time comes, knowing that the road you take may be hard and you may feel alone. You are never alone, people are always thinking of you, even if you don't know it.

A friend sent this to me. It means a lot.
Right now I'm under so much stress I have no words. Tomorrow I might have some answers.

One year

its crazy how in one year with everything that goes on your life can go from fantastic to twisted upside down, falling apart, sobbing on the floor.
Friend that show there true colours, Friends that don't understand and whisper behind you back. Doctors appointments where you wish it was something treatable.
Feeling hurt because your parents and in laws just don't get it.
You try so hard. But every time you feel like your two steps forward something finds your and drags you 3 steps back.
Some days you wake up and wonder how the heck you got yourself here.
And you wish. Just wish you had one friend who lived by you, that would understand and know what your going through, and they would help pick you up off the floor.

Transgendered and a Scout?

So last week we signed the kids up for beavers. The youngest of the scouting program. I was worried when we had signed them up we would have B rejected. 

Nope! B and H are both beavers! They are so happy and excited. Today was the first time we dropped them off for 1.5 hours! For that time we got to spend it with little sister. It was fun. 

The kids came home with colouring, and so much more! I'm excited for them to go back next week. 

I am also so glad that in Canada they are accepting. That the leader shrugged her shoulders and said "I have never worked with a trans kid, but I'm willing to learn."

Willing to learn. What we all should be doing. 

Alone

Yesterday I sent B and H to kindy. They lined up at the door. They walked in. They each blew me and little sister a kiss.  I tried not to cry as little sister cried out "why can't I go?" She felt so alone.

This is the first time little sister hasn't been in a program. After the issue with the kids daycare / preschool I can't send her. I have way to much anxiety. I just can't send her off alone. 

Little sister and I went out for French fries since it was raining. Talking about how her big brother and sister are in school and how she gets to be with me and come to her grandparents during the week. 

We walked back to the school. 10 min early and she had a slip up with using B birth name. I gently corrected telling little sister that it hurts when she uses the wrong name. 

The kids came out one at a time and were so excited! B came out first. Pointed at me and ran out. Then H was behind and yelled that's my mommy too! And ran over. 

We started our walk home. Talking about our day at school. The kids talking about what they did. H playing with blocks and B with the trucks and cars. H telling me how she asked B to work on the counting blocks but he chose to play with something else. 

We got home and had snack. I printed out some work sheets and the kids had fun...

Next we we go back again on Monday. By Friday they are in full time? I'm very scared to put my trust in these two teachers to leave my kids alone with them. 

Friday I Speke with a lawyer about what my next step with the daycare is. Anxiety big time. 

Some nights I lie in bed and my mind runs. I think about what my life should have been. Then I look at what's going on in my life right now and I wonder how I feel so alone. Like I'm the one getting sent in to school alone. 

This road I'm traveling down. The life of having a transgender child. It's a lonely road. One that only a select few people understand. It's even harder as friends and family don't understand. Even my husband and I don't understand each other. 

Once again I feel alone