Grieving my loss

This last weekend was hard. Friday night B got sick two times. Having a kid come in at midnight to tell you they had an accident sucks. But then a few hours later to tell you they puked and the dogs eating it. Oh boy. 

I got about 4 hours sleep. I was exhausted. It was lazy morning for the kids. Keeping B away from his sisters. I made lunch. The kids got cinnamon rice with brown sugar. Then we went off for rest time. 

The girls were split in to different rooms but finally ended up together quietly. B was in bed with me watching tv as I tried to nap. Getting woken up every 20 min to be told about the show or if it was inappropriate. 

B woke me up to talk. We talked about feelings. I told him if he ever wanted to be a girl again to let me know. B told me "mommy I'm a boy, why would I want to wear girl stuff? And mommy can you PLEASE take my earrings out?". I had been holding off on taking them out for the last 3-5 months. Praying that its a phase. But it's not. My child is transgendered. My child is a boy mentally and emotionally. 

The earrings came out. I cried when he left the room. The little red studs are in my jewelry box. They are there, hidden away. The last memory of my child. 

My new child is B. my boy. My handsome prince. 

Part of me is sad. But part of me knows we have only started our journey. Next step, kindergarten as a boy. 

Guest post from the heart.

I'm so sorry about your preschool experience. First, let me say that I don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes, to have your child. I do know a little about schools and have some experience supporting gender variant students. I hope my journey and insight might be helpful.

I'm in a very conservative district in Nebraska. I think the key to my school best supporting all kids is information. How much time do you have before school starts? Do you have the luxury of picking a school? If so, I would "school shop". I would ask for a tour of the building. There should be little signs or signals that could indicate the general attitude of acceptance without you giving any information about your kid. If anything, the little signs might give you an indication on whether the school is willing to learn and adjust to best serve any student. Even if you can't choose a school, I would ask for a tour. We had a family that didn't disclose anything about their child and toured many schools, talked to the various principals, and asked other families for the inside scoop around the area. To be honest, she had kind of ruled out our entire district until visiting our school. All of our public schools are not open to everyone, but there is some flexibility due to certain neighborhoods being overcrowded and others not having many school age kids. Kindergarten is not required by law in my area (I guess I shouldn't state that as a fact, but it wasn't four years ago when I was contemplating sending my oldest). It also takes about 30 days for parents to be approved for homeschooling. I don't know if your area has similar practices/policy. Unfortunately, schools can be one of the toughest places for gender variant kids. With that said, it doesn't have to be that way. My school and district are not perfect. We have made mistakes and I'm sure will make more I do think we have grown by LEAPS AND BOUNDS within the last two years. I have seen many students flourish due to the new knowledge of our staff and the support of families. The growth made was due to training, support from the DISTRICT office, and 1-2 adult advocates within each building.

If I were you, I would probably read the above paragraph and be overwhelmed on where to start. We have had many gender variant kids within our school, but I'm embarrassed to say that it wasn't until we had a trans kid come to us, that our eyes were opened to the changes we needed to make to be welcoming and supportive of ALL kids. I also think that we had some experiences about 5 years ago that could have been handled better and we now realize the power we have to either create a learning place of empowerment and support or hindrance and hurt. We knew this around other issues, but we didn't have a clue how the binary was impacting all kids.

I now feel like the gender police. My oldest child is a cisgender boy and I just met with the principal yesterday regarding the student supply list being gendered!!! The supplies are not gendered by color or even implying certain things are only possible if you are a boy or girl, but they have boys bringing one supply for the entire class to use and girls bringing another for the entire class to use...an easy way to evenly split the supply burden amongst the class. This was not okay with me. It was the principal's first day back from summer break, school starts in about two weeks, she had new teachers walking into her building any minute, and here I came with a concern regarding something like the school supply list. She probably thought that she had bigger issues to deal with, however, shortly into the conversation, I saw a light bulb go off in her head. She wasn't defensive and said it would be changed for next year. Unfortunately, the supply list was already displayed in stores, and mailed to the parents/guardians of the 750 kids attending this school. I only had to say a few things about how this probably wasn't a good practice and she gave me even more reasons it should be stopped. She also admitted that she had never thought of it and probably would have never thought of it had I not brought it up. I stressed that this was not just about kids that may not fit in the binary boxes of gender, but this was about all kids...MY kid. My oldest boy OVERLY identifies with being a boy. Even before "my eyes were opened" to all of the restrictions within our society regarding gender, I have been battling this with him...trying to explain that toys are just toys...not girl toys or boy toys, colors are just colors, etc. He looks at me like I have three heads. My experience with my CONFORMING child has convinced me even more of the importance of celebrating the diversity within all children. I think children are the best humans I have ever met...let's grow them into confident, fantastic adults! My son will have MANY SOCIETAL norms reinforcing his gender expression. I don't need a school supply list doing it or making other kids feeling unwelcomed or shamed.

I think this is what Gender Spectrum is perfect for...guiding schools through this growth. The amazing family that helped our school had the guidance of a local therapist...not because something was wrong with their child, but because they didn't know how to navigate our community that might not be accepting of their smart, quirky (in the most fabulous, smile inducing way), musically and mathematically gifted, artistic, animal LOVING transgirl This child was a gift to our school! I felt honored that the parents trusted us. There are so many fascinating pieces of her identity that I rarely think of her gender expression as any bigger piece than the others...but at this point, that would require me to think of her genitals and I don't think of genitals when I think of children...or adults for that matter...sorry for the frankness.

I know I am not in your situation and can't imagine. One of my children really struggles with anxiety, an INVISIBLE struggle. That is difficult enough...let alone the hard job of parenting any kid. I do hope that my insight gives you hope. There are schools, staff, kids, and families that will be supportive of your child. They may need guidance. It may be a bumpy ride. Life can be very messy. Your child is lucky to have you! If I can be of any help with future school questions, let me know. Like I said in my first post, this is a very personal decision. You are the only one that will know what is right for your family. I think the safety and well-being of your child is of utmost importance, but I don't think any decision should be made strictly out of fear. Otherwise, we may never leave our homes

Wishing you and your child the best,
j

Fun day with Mommy

Yesterday B stayed home. We had a fun day. A day where I was sure to use male pronouns. Call B son, not use the birth name. 

When we went to the sports store to get our jogging stroller tire inner tube changed (we have a Phil and teds and u LOVE it!) we looked around the store. B found water bottles that are BPA free and only $4.99 so we got one for all the kids. It's on the list for school! 

We then walked over to the kids clothes. B found a dress that he wanted to get for his twin sister. B the. Found I nice pair of organic cotton cargo shirts. At first I thought it would break the bank! But it was on sale for $10 and B found a shirt for $8 so we got it. 

When we were at the cash B lived helping out. We then were off on a search for runners. Needing 3 pairs for school (indoor, outdoor, gym). And we were at a skate shop. We were trying on shoes, B was high 5 ing the sales guy, giving fist bumps. B was having a blast. In the middle if B putting on shoes he told the sales guy "I used to be mommys girl, but now I'm mommys son." The guy looked at me. I smiled and nodded my head. And it was just not brought up. 

Today in the car after school B was talking with his sisters. They were talking of splitting things up. B then said "we have 3 boys in the car and 3 girls. Mommy, H and S. and 3 boys, me, daddy and Chopper!" (Chopper is our dog). 

That made my husband a bit nervous. We had a talk with our family doctor. My husband doesn't want this and is not as accepting. This he looked at me. I want him to see B like I do. 

Well it's late. I'm exhausted and time for bed. 

50\50 chance of death by 18?

This is a stat I heard. My child for being transgendered has a 50\50 chance of making it to the age of 18. That is scary.  My kid has a 50% chance of suicide, getting beat up so bad that my kid will die, or worse.

On Thursday that hit me hard. Very hard. It has now taken me 3 days to process things and be able to talk about it on here.

Thursday was a bad day for B (my trans kid). B was called a girl at school by friends, and teachers at the daycare\preschool refuse to let B get called a boy. This refusal by the the teachers is because the head teacher is Catholic. She feels personally that its wrong. Im not happy by this. But we have only one more month till kindergarten starts.

Things got to a bad part on thursday. Thursday B had acted out, hit, scratched, pushed, pulled fingers. But the worst was B's close friend called B a girl. B got very upset and choked the boy. Teachers had to pull them apart. I found out about this Thursday evening after I came home when the kids were in bed.

Thursday night I called the ped office. We had just gotten in to see a ped about B's anger issues. But the Ped saw the trans issues and started us on that. We had some blood work done to check for chromosome issues. Friday I had not heard back from her Ped who was on call. I called the office her ped was not in and we got an urgent appt with another ped from the practice. I also called our family doctor and he was not in but his nurse told me to contact the ped first and if I couldn't get a hold she would call the doctor at home.

I finally heard back from our ped an hour before our appt with another doctor from the same office. I was having lunch with B in the same complex that the office was in as we had come out by bus and it was about an hour treck to see the doctor down town. Her Ped told us to go straight to the children's hospital and to get them to have someone from Psych to see B.

We went up to the hospital. During intake I let the nurse know that we like to go by a different name then our birth name. And we prefer male pronouns. I was looked at a bit crazy by the nurse. But when the nurse heard what we were there for for B it became a bit better.

We had an awesome nurse name Dott who came in and took us to the "Quiet room" and they had 2 room there to lock kids in who were getting out of hand. We had a nice talk with Dott, I gave full history and B added a few things. One thing B added was then when B is upset and in his room for time out B has been hitting himself. That hurt so much to hear from my 5 year old.

We ended up having a shift change. We got a new nurse who was young and nice. She took me to go get some water after she found a great super hero movie for B to watch. While she was getting some water and showing me where the machine was we talked. She just listened. It was great to have her as a nurse. She told me she had never seen a child as young as B so self assure in there identity. That its good that im here and that we are getting things figured out. She also told me they have a transgenderd clinic for kids at the hospital. She also suggested in getting in the social worker to talk to. I was nervous about that, but she assured me that they could help and find programs. So i said sure Ill talk to her.

The doctor came in and talked to us. The doctor did a quick check up and nothing is physically wrong. She was upset that B had choked a child. The doctor assured me that B knows who he is. The doctor says im doing everything right. They did tell me that the Psych doc wouldn't see her. But we have a urgent referral put through to infant psych. They did not want to keep B in as B is too young to be inpatient on the on floor unit. So now we wait. I was told it could take up to 4 months to get in to Psych. But hopefully since we have an urgent request from emerge it will be sooner.

The social worker came in. We are going to be connected to the local counselling in our area. I don't have high hopes for it because I have been trying to see a shrink for depression for 5 years an I have not been able to get in with anyone. The local social worker office has been notified and we are to be put on there family outreach team. We will see how that goes and what they can offer us.

The doctor at the hospital wants B to only be in the school every other day. That gives B a day off in-between for cooling down, and a few days in-between for just relaxing and following what B wants to do and B being a boy.

So B will be going to school on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. We will spend tuesday and thursday together doing something fun. I think this tuesday we are going to go and paint some pottery up at place near our house, maybe go and get a hair cut. Who knows. Going to go play it by ear.

Thanks for reading so far. I have sent this blog to a few close family members and friends. If your reading this its because I trust you, and I know you are going to be able to support our family, and help us with the journey.

Funerals cause stress

We had to burry my grandmother today. She lived 89 years and was a strong woman. She never really caught on about my child. But my grandmother was happy to have her do whatever she needed.

My child and her sisters did very well at the service. They kept it closed casket till the end. My child did not want to see but her two sisters wanted to view to say goodbye.

They were good at the wake. They tried new food and were good during the speeches.

I came out and told my aunt about my child. She lives in the Midwest area of the USA. She got married and moved down. She was very accepting of my child. Calling child handsome, prince, and using the male version of child's name. It made child beam and glow.

Child also wore a dark navy polo shirt and blue pants to prayers. Then to the funeral service she wore the same shirt and tan shorts. Luckily the family and extended family was welcoming. The priest of the church even talked to my child and I and was open. Praising me for letting my child wear the clothes child wants, and hair cut the way child wants. I just don't know how accepting the priest would be if he knew she is transgendered.

My grandmothers death has not hit me. I think it will take me awhile. I'm going to try to update more.

Thank you

20/20

Yesterday long after the kids were in bed and asleep I went in to my room and flipped in the TV. 20/20 was on. It was a show I like to watch on occasion. Last nights story when I turned it on was about two transgendered teens.

Everything they said. About knowing from ages 3-4 struck me. My child knows. My child knows that my child s a boy. My child knows that inside that my child should have a penis and not a vagina. My child act, talks, and plays like a boy. Why can't everyone else around us see that? It hurts. It hurts the most that her father doesn't see it. Do we have to wait till my child try's to commit suicide? There is a 50% chance my child will try.

20/20 segment I was talking about

A long time UPDATE.

It's been some time since I last posted. My husband thinks I'm pushing so I backed off. We saw our doctor for kindergarten shots and the doctor could see that my child is transgendered.

It's been hard. Daycare is not as accepting. But the main teacher is a Asian catholic. Very religious. I know where she is coming from. I was raised in a Christian home. I went to a Christian school till grade 9 when I left because of bullying. Now I worry what my child will be getting in to with kindergarten starting in September.

This morning my child woke up early. 6 am. I was on the couch as I broke my leg and its more comfortable then my bed up the stairs. My child came down and cuddled. We talked. I asked if my child feels like a girl or a boy. In typical fashion my child said "mom I'm a boy inside but I have girl parts". A few weeks ago my child asked for me to take out my child's earrings. I started to cry. I pushed it off that we would talk about it later.

It makes me sad to be loosing my girl. I knew from the start. My child was the more active of the twins. I felt an instant bond. I just don't know. I want my child to be happy. I want my child to be whoever my chis is. But this is not going to be easy. It's a hard road. A trip I don't want to take if I don't have to.

With everything in my life right now. My mother sick and dying, my not working to take care of my mom so our bills are tight, my husband is not happy with his job, finding money for his schooling for the next semester, bills that keep coming in and trying to figure out how to pay.

School is coming up. Things are going to be tight. School supplies. 2 pairs of shoes for each kid (inside and outside). Backpacks. Lunch boxes. Clothes as they are growing like weeds. I have no boy clothes for child, thankfully friends have given or sold us cheep clothes for the other two. It doesn't help that the youngest is now almost in the same size clothes as the twins.

I feel like there is so much and I'm drowning. I just want my child to have an good life. An easy life. I don't want to see my child crying. I don't like to see any of them cry, but it hurts even more when Childs friends won't play because child is physically a girl. Child has chosen a gender neutral name. It's trendy and cute and child can write it all on his own.

I'm having a hard time with pronouns. But I'm working on it.

Im Just floating in a sea of emotions.