Sick to my stomach.

Today I'm sick to my stomach. New year new debt. Getting things for my house, first months rent and all the little things and my emergency credit card is maxed. 

I'm trying hard to be calm and not shit a brick. My welfare check of just $1,027 is almost all spent. With it covering my $950 in rent, and there not being much left for food. 

It's the first day of a brand new year. And here I am. Scared that I made the wrong choice. 

It doesn't help that we stayed at the kids dad grandparents. My ex mil oven stopped working so a few of us got sick. Then H ended up with explosive poop. Not expecting that. 

At 4 am the kids uncle who was getting drunk with his friends in his room got loud and roudy and then woke me and the dog up from the couch. 

The only good part of the day is that I got rubermade bins cheep and a new dishwasher from my dad that will be here next week. 

Now to be an adult and figure out how to pay bills. 

Long update

Things have not bee good in my house for awhile. I was able to hide the domestic violence. The yelling at me, the verbal abuse, the mental abuse. I was able to put on a good front but no one knew what happened behind closed doors. 

After a very bad push of abuse in Mexico I decided I needed to leave. Then the worst thing happened. He hit my youngest. It wasn't enough to bruse, but it was enough that I was worried. 

I packed our bags and we left after school the next day. Not one friend was able to help me. 

I took the kids 3 hours by bus to the only place that had room. It was not kid friendly. 4 days there was no bread, milk, eggs. Only fruit cups and granola bars. 

We left that place after one morning H had a meltdown due to her sensory and anxiety issues and another person staying in the house yelled in her face to shut up. 

We got in to another place closer to the kids school. I found an apartment and just had to wait a week and a bit.

I woke up one morning and as I was leaving I was pulled in a room, and was told I had given out the address. I never had, and I only knew how to get there by bus. I had them sit me in front of a computer and they searched my Facebook. I was told I would have to go. Then after they searched my Facebook they found I had not given out any location and then offed to move me to the other house as long as I did not leave, did not use my phone (give to them) and not talk to anyone till I moved out. 

That did not sit well with me. 

I left and took my youngest to play group. Was quite upset. Talked with a rec center lady and told her what happened and she tookit upon herself to call and when I got back the house manger accused me of lying and other issues. 

 I had found a place to go, and so I told them I did not want to discuss anymore, I was very upset after they had seen I had not posted anything they should have appologised. They huffed what for? They still will not gve me first names of the two supposed people who said I was giving info out. 

I got a call from a social worker last week but kids were very sicks. I went in this week, only to find out that some one called in stating I was mentaly unstable, and not taking my medications. The only place that knew I took medications was the last transition house. What they don't know is I'm stable, and have been stable for years with only one low when my mother was diagnosed end stages with her illness. 

The social worker is also stating I'm asking for too many services by asking for counselling for B to help with his trans* issues (anger, and again he was in the principals office for hitting yesterday), and for H to help with her anxiety and sensory issues. 

Frankly I would be a shitty parent IF I DID NOT try to get them services. 

So now I have to be at the whim of a social worker and pray they don't take my children. After a stressful time like this this is the last thing I need. 

I all of you who read are doing well and have a happy winter holidays. 

Missing my kids

We got back on Tuesday from our trip. 

Woke up to the kids climbing in our bed after only a few hours sleep. Kids got the surprises we brought back for them. Knit sweaters for them all. H and little sister got linen dresses, and B got a linnen shirt. 

I also got a basket of shells to open on a day that the kids need a distraction. 

B has been so happy we are home. When my cough I got started getting worse B started getting to clingy. Getting the kids too and from school was hard. Friday night I woke up not being able to catch my breath. I couldn't get up to get the kids to school. B had a melt down. He wanted to go to school and be with his BFF A and teacher Mrs H. H was not as upset, she had her tv show and little sis just rolled with it. 

I ended up in the ER Friday night. Severe bronchitis. So bad I had to get 4 nebulizers in 1.5 hours. The ER doc said my lungs sounded like I smoked 50 packs a week.

I'm now on oral steroids, two puffers, and rest.... I'm just exhausted. Very exhausted. 

It doesn't help that I also picked up a bacterial follicular rash from either the pool, ocean, cenote, or jacuzzi tub. 

Now to relax and get better. And doing that with lots of hugs and kisses from my 3 kids. 

Midnight in Mexico.

This week I took a trip with out the kids. They are at my in laws. And I'm 5 hours across the contanent. 

It was hard to let go. To give care of B over to my in laws. Someone who I don't know if they will protect B like me. Fight for B like me. 

This trip I was hoping for it to be a great time to relax and reconnect with my husband. 

Yet I feel like the wall is there bigger then ever. I'm with him, but not with him. A smile on my face with my heart breaking inside. 

Today at a group swim at one of the ceneotes (limestone sink hole) I was reminded with him fighting. With how I want to leave.

I had them make up the room as a surprise for his birthday. But got yelled at through dinner. Apparently I need to be psychic. The bed with rose petals for us to make love on ended in him yelling, me in the hot tub, and him snoring. 

Makes me wonder if it's time to move out. 

No one brings dinner when

This story hit me hard. (Linky here)
When my mom was diagnosed with progresive supranuclar plasy and we were told we were going to loose her food came in from friends while i tried to figure out how to get kids to daycare and help my father with his new normal.

but when our family got the diagnoses of Transgender for Bex all we got were words of hate. Words where they spat so much venom i was literately afraid for my life if i was to see them im public. Words that tore me to the core because i was being told by my community that i caused this.

friends lost, and friends i had to block on facebook, take there name and number out of my phone book. Friends that I had to tell the kids we couldn't see, not because we couldn't make time for them. but because i couldn't trust them to not hurt my kids physical or emotionally.

and here I sit. And i feel like im walking alone.
the sad part is, I know those people will come out of the wood work and be all caring once my mother dies.

Safety while on vacation

My husband and I leave for an adults vacation on Monday. To reconnect as the last year and a half has been hell. 

We are only able to do this vacation thanks to a bad Car accident that messed up my back. 

We are heading to Mexico. A nice adults only resort. We are looking forward to time away to re connect. 

Now here is the scary part of vacation. Leaving B without me. The kids, all 3 will be staying with my in laws. My mother in laws is not using male pronouns. 

My worry is if something happens to B how will doctors and medical staff treat him. I have had issues at 2 walk in clinics. One the doctor told me she was sorry and if I thought of therapy to change him back. The other walk in talked loudly if he was male to female or female to male and if so what of my 3 kids. 

So tomorrow comes the hard task of writing out a letter, printing a few copies. See what happens. Pray the kids do not get hurt. 

One more thing a parent of a transgender kid has to think about. 

Because watching a tv show makes you an expert

So it's 7:30 and already another person removed from my Facebook. One who I thought would get it. One who has an autistic son and I thought would understand. One who I thought would have understood that people watching one show dosent make them an expert on how to "cure" the child. 

For me there is no cure. It's something B was born with. Something he can't control. Like how you can't control your eye colour. 

One tv show does not make you an expert. If that was true, thanks to the magic of tv I would be a doctor, a addictions councler, a psychic medium, a lie detector, a NCIS agent, a murder, a master chef, and so many other things. 

Wast hung a tv show does not make an expert. It makes you someone who watched one show. 

You have not lived the life. Watch your child die inside. Hear your 4 year old kid admit to a doctor that he hurts himself physically and hard becouse he hurts inside becouse people can't understand he is a boy inside. See your child have extremely rage, tantrums that just don't stop. Have your child come home from preschool telling you that a teacher called him a freak. 

Then watching the extreme change in to a happy child, a normal child when you start calling him a boy, cut his hair short, and let him wear clothing of his own choosing. 

So yep. Now that your an"expert" from watching that tv show. Let me tell you where you can shove that.